One thing that I am noticing is that I am enjoying being a peer mentor for caregivers. I'm really enjoying the fact that I'm doing something to help others that are going through the same things that I did. It makes me feel like I'm making a difference...that something good can come out of the mess that Larry and I have been through. It's harder some days than it is others. For instance, last night I had the most intense nightmare I've had in a few months. This was after I was woken up by Larry hitting me a few times in his sleep. He always feels so bad. It's nothing that he can control, and we laugh about it. But the truth is, him hurting me when he was sleeping was HIS turning point. It scared him. This was a few years ago. It obviously still happens, but nothing like it did before. When I talk to people about BOTH of our issues, they sometimes look at me funny or ask me "Still?" Yes. This is not something that magically goes away. You don't wake up one day and you're just over it. It's a lifelong battle. Some days are harder than others.
I will say that I am so grateful to be in a position where I can put some of my experience to good use. I really enjoy talking with other spouses about what happened to us and hearing what happened to them. Just as the infertility is a long, lonely road, so is this. There aren't a lot of people who truly understand what it is to go through what we've been through. Am I proud of us? HELL YEAH. We've worked really hard to get where we are, and we work really hard daily to keep moving in the right direction. We take some steps back, but it's to be expected. But I hold my head high knowing that we've conquered the things that we have and knowing that we are both fighting to keep improving and moving forward. I am so proud of Larry. There's just no other way to say it. I am blessed to be his wife. He's amazing, and I thank God every day that he's here and we're making it on this journey together!
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