8 years

December 21st, 2012 marks the 8 year anniversary of the suicide bombing that very nearly took Larry away from me.  It is always such a weird day..for lack of a better word.  I am so incredibly grateful to have Larry. He's amazing.  He's my world.  I love him more than I could even begin to explain.  But it's also hard-because it's the day our lives changed forever.  I have watched him hurt, which kills me.  We have been to hell and back.

But through it all, we've always relied on each other.  And as each year passes, I am so amazingly thankful for each and every day that I have with him.  The doctors, medics...no one can tell me how he made it.  I know, of course, that God had other plans for him.  That his guardian angel worked overtime that day.

No, I do not concentrate on the negative.  I look at how far we've come in the last 8 years and I'm amazed.  We've faced everything head on and come out on top.  We have a lot of challenges ahead of us.  But I know that God has a great plan for us, even if we don't have any idea of what it is.  Some days are really hard.  That's just reality.  Being grateful and concentrating on how lucky we are that he's still here doesn't make everything magically puppies and rainbows.  We deal on a daily basis with the realities of combat injuries.  But we're making it work.  And I am real damn proud of how far we've come.  I know our journey ahead is going to be challenging, but I know that he and I can do this together.

I am forever grateful to every single person that has been there for us through our journey.  I can't name all of you, but you know who you are.  I could never have made it without you guys, and I thank you for being there and never judging, no matter how hard a time I was having.

I don't have a lot to say this year I guess.  It's been one of the more challenging years we've faced.  But we're gonna be ok. =o)

Answers

What happened in CT today is a tragedy.  It's horrible.  It's unimaginable.  It's horrifying.  And I see a lot of people wanting answers and wanting justice and wanting change.

First of all, my heart is breaking for the families that lost loved ones today.  Especially those kids who were taken before they had a chance at life.  I'm sitting here with my 10 year old nephew and I couldn't even imagine losing him.  I can't even begin to understand how those families feel and what they are going to be going through.

But the things I'm seeing....honestly..I don't understand.  This was a sick individual.  This was a person who was suffering emotionally obviously.  Does it give him the right to do what he did?  NO.  Absolutely not.  But it was HIM and his sickness that did this.  Do you REALLY think that stricter gun laws would have prevented this?  NO.  Because people like that don't CARE about gun laws.  And if you force the rest of us to have our right to protect ourselves and our families taken away, the ONLY people that are going to have guns are people like this-with no regard for the law in the first place.  They don't care....they will get access to them..because right and wrong doesn't mean the same to them.  You're just going to leave us defenseless against them.  How is that going to solve anything?  Do you think it's going to be harder for them to get their hands on weapons?  If you do, you're mistaken.  Our police have historically been outgunned-because criminals have no boundaries-and our police have guidelines.  And if this person didn't have access to a gun, do you think he still wouldn't have acted violently?  It just would have been a different weapon.

The problem is not GUNS-the problem is our society's lack of consequences for our actions.  It's from parent's lack of paying attention to their kids.  It's from being so nonchalant about violence in general.  Huge massacres like this happen and everyone gets upset...but people, CHILDREN are killed every day.  By abusive parents, by drunk drivers, by other CHILDREN with weapons OTHER than guns.  The problem is not the weapons, it's our lack of instilling in our kids that there are punishments for their actions.  But it doesn't stop there.  There is a general lack of consequence for breaking rules EVERYWHERE.  Why are there people out on the street that have 20+ DUI's?  And why do they still have cars..and licenses?  Why do people that are convicted of assault with deadly weapons just get probation?  What incentive is there for us to obey the laws and rules that are in place now?  And do you really think that making more laws and rules is going to change that?  It's not.  Changing the consequences will.  KEEPING these people off the streets will.  TEACHING your children right from wrong will.

And also, how about paying attention and learning the signs and symptoms of mental illness?  How about paying attention enough to know when someone isn't acting right.  Pay attention to the people you love-watch for warning signs!  Sometimes all it takes is letting a person know you are there for them.  This was a very sick individual.  Someone who was hurting and snapped.  Could it have been prevented?  We'll never know.  But we tend to ignore things...thinking it will just go away rather than get involved.  BE KIND.  Don't judge people.  Look for warning signs....and if you're not sure....talk to someone about it!  

I'm disgusted by what happened today.  I'm heartbroken for those families.  I'm saying many prayers for all of the victims...and the survivors.  I can't imagine what the surviving kids are going to go through either.  We are not programmed to see violence like that at any age...but at such a young age...the loss of innocence....it's so sad.  

Not sleeping...so I'm blogging.....

I really want to be sleeping.  And I can't.  So I'm here.  Blogging.  I have had a interesting few weeks.  The roller coaster seems to be on an upswing for the most part.  Larry and I have decided to go ahead and start the adoption process.  (as soon as I find the paperwork)  It was really hard to have JT here for the weekend.  It's just getting harder and harder to not have a little one.  I had put the adoption stuff on hold for a bit because I had gotten pregnant, but after that loss...I'm just tired of waiting and being heartbroken.

The last loss was by far the hardest.  I honestly thought that we were out of the woods when we heard a heartbeat.  I was thinking that finally, FINALLY we had figured it out!  But I should have known better than to get that excited so quickly.  I'm to the point now where I honestly don't think I could get excited if I got pregnant again.  I don't think I could let myself get excited until we got AT LEAST past the first trimester...and maybe later.  Which sucks.  I want to be someone that can enjoy a pregnancy from beginning to end.  But I can't.  I can't let myself get attached and that really bites.  I can't tell people.  I have to wait...till I know if my baby is going to live.  Who has to think about things like this?  Apparently me.  That hurts more than I can even begin to tell you.  I can't be excited about having a baby until I know that it's going to live.  Wow.  What a shitty outlook to have to have.  =o(

Which brings me to our decision.  I'm just ready to be a mommy.  I'm ready for everything that comes with it.  I'm just so sad.  The one and only thing that I have ever wanted to be is a mom..and it's just out of my reach.  Some days I just think it's not fair and I feel like I'm being picked on.  I know that's silly, but it's hard to think otherwise sometimes.  I see SO MANY people getting pregnant....having babies.  People that have been trying for 3 months..6 months...some that get pregnant right away. And everything is fine.  It's hard seeing that.  It's hard to see people that go to the fertility specialists and get one treatment and bam!  Baby.  Just makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong....or what the hell?

But I'm trying very hard to be positive.  I know that there are plenty of kids out there that need loving homes, and I know that we can provide that.  I refuse to give up having our own, but I think that finding a child that needs us is important too...whether we have one of our own or not.  

Every day is so different.  Some days are wonderful and I'm hopeful and I'm ready to move on with things.  Some days I'm scared shitless...and I feel like I don't know which way is up.  But mostly, I feel alone.  I know that there are others out there that are going through the same thing....but trying to explain things to people who aren't is really hard.  It's hard to explain why some things hurt my feelings.  Why I can't look at some things.  Why I can't go into a hospital.  Most people are understanding-meaning that they respect that I feel a certain way, even if they don't "get" it.  But sometimes I feel like I'm running in circles....and there are times I really just hold back because explaining it would be too much and I just don't have it in me anymore.  I know that people generally mean well...and that their intentions are good.  I just gets so overwhelming sometimes.  Hormones and emotions just get the best of me.  *sigh*

Today, I feel good about things.  Tomorrow...I don't know what tomorrow is going to be like.  I don't know what later is going to be like.  This is such a long, complicated journey with so many emotions...sometimes *I* can't even keep track of where I am.  One day, one step, one moment at a time.  We've been through so much, I know that Larry and I can figure this out too.  As long as we have each other (how cliche, I know) we can make it through anything.  I am so lucky to have him as my other half....we can do this!

The Things People Do

Remember when we were in middle/high school and someone didn't like you...and they would whisper to others about you when you were right there?  Or they would make sure that you knew they didn't like you?  Remember when you were that age how you just thought that when you were an adult, things like that didn't happen?  Yeah, not so much.

Now that I'm an adult, it doesn't get to me as much.  But when people PURPOSELY do and say hurtful things....JUST to make you feel bad.....it's really hard not to let it get to you...just a little.  Especially when you do everything in your power to try to be nice.  It's petty.  I never understood it.  I can't understand purposely making someone feel awful-purposely trying everything you can to make them feel bad in general...or feel bad about themselves.

But here's the thing.  While it hurts at the time, I always am reminded that I have family and friends who I truly love and who truly love me.  People that won't purposely try to hurt me....that accept me for who I am...and I do the same.

It just reminds me that people that are that hurtful and have to be that mean to others....they aren't really happy with themselves.  I feel sorry for them that they have to degrade someone else just to make themselves feel better.  I don't wish bad things for them.  I just wish for them to find the love and peace in life that I have.  For all of the issues that I have...and the journey that I'm on....and the ups and downs....I am happy with my life.  I've been to rock bottom.  And you know what?  I made it!  And I came out on the other side a better person....and I've surrounded myself with people that aren't trying to hurt me.  They support and love and I return it.

As bad as people try to make me feel, I just have to keep reminding myself that the only thing that matters is my family and my friends...the people that truly love and care and encourage.  I am truly blessed...and NO ONE has permission to make me feel bad!

Family

Today was tough.  It was real hard to get through...but we did it.  There were lots of tears shed, but, more importantly, there were lots of laughs and stories shared.  I spent an amazing day with my family.  Though I really wish it was under better and different circumstances, I am very glad we had the family together.  I spent time with family I had either never met or hadn't seen in 20+ years.

When one of my uncles got to the house, he asked my dad if we were holding Nana together.  Dad said, "It's more like she's holding us together."  And that is so true.  She freaking amazes me.  I listened to her talking today, and she was so.....I don't even know how to explain it.  She was telling someone that the day he passed she just cried and cried...until she thought to herself  "this isn't doing either him or me any good."  She's had her moments, but she's just taking all of this and finding every single positive she can in everything. She told me that she WILL still have anniversaries-that just because Grandpa is gone doesn't mean he's not still her husband-because they were perfect for each other and he'll just be her husband in spirit now.  And, here's some free advice from Nana-the secret to a happy, lasting marriage-always say "I love you" before you go to bed, even if you are angry.  Grandpa's last words to her were "Goodnight, I love you," and that is something that she will always have in her heart.  My Nana is my hero.  She has an amazing family, an amazing marriage, and the heart of a lion.  I hope I can someday be even half the woman she is.

Though today was so hard, the most important thing I am taking away from it is that I am so blessed to have such a close family.  We have our fair share of issues, but what family doesn't?  What's important is that was can all pull together when it's needed and that we have each other.

Thank you to everyone that has sent condolences, love, support and prayers.  I am also very blessed to have some amazing friends.  I appreciate y'all so much!

Make sure you make the most of today.  Tell your loved ones that you love them.  And let go of the little things...there are so many more important things in life...don't miss out!!!!!

Too much on my mind

I found myself with my pillow over my head, mumbling to Larry that I just didn't want to deal with everything.  Lame...cop out...whatever.  I'm too tired to think about anything right now.  Getting back to reality after having such a wonderful trip to Disneyland really sucks.  Add to that the sudden and very unexpected passing of my grandfather...and I'm just over all of it right now.

I found out this morning that they are going to have an honor guard doing a flag folding and playing Taps at my grandpa's funeral as he was a Marine.  Here's something that I don't talk about very much.  After everything that happened with Larry, I was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago.  While I've made a lot of progress in many areas, there is one thing that hasn't gotten any better.  Funerals/flag folding/Taps.  These have been a part of every nightmare I've had about Larry....they are things that haunt me.  I get real tired of people telling me "but he's here, so just concentrate on that."  It's a little more complicated than that....and I am completely freaking out about how I'm going to do this.  I love my nana (and my grandpa) very much.  I have to be there for them and for my dad.  What kind of horrible person am I that I don't know how I'm going to contain my own demons for this one day to be there for my family?  But just finding out that this was going to be part of the funeral sent me into full blown panic attack.  Seriously....this just all can't be happening.

Add to this the fact that this is one more AMAZING person that my kids (if I ever have any) will never get to meet.  It's always been a fear of mine that my kids would never know their great-grandparents.  Both sets of my grandparents have been a huge part of my life, and the longer I fight with infertility, the less chance I have that my children will know them.  It breaks my heart that they will never know the 3 that I have lost already, as I was incredibly blessed with wonderful grandparents.    

Is it irrational?  Maybe.  But these are all things that go through my head, whether I want them there or not.  Try as I might to talk myself out of them, there they are.  I just really pray I can pull it together....

Never Forget

Never forget.  Those are loaded words.  September 11, 2001 was a day that changed America forever.  But people do forget.  Every other day, with the exception of holidays, people forget.  They forget that every single one of those civilians had family and friends.  They forget that every single one of those first responders had family and friends.  They forget that every single one of the military personnel had family and friends.  They forget that every single first responder and all of our military men and women that have been injured or killed fighting the war on terrorism or keeping those of us back home safe have family and friends.  Sounds crazy, right?  Of course people don't forget.  WRONG.  Every single family member and friend wakes up EVERY DAY to a reminder in one way or another of that day.  They will never forget because they can't-it stares them in the face every day.  Flags fly on holidays...but what about all the other days?  When you see a firefighter, a police officer, an EMT, a soldier....do you thank them?  Do you say a prayer for the families of those that are serving both here and overseas?  Or does it just slip your mind?  Because they'll always be there, watching your back....you figure they know you are thankful.

I have had the absolute PRIVILEGE to meet some of the most amazing first responders and military personnel, especially in the last 11 years.  I have heard so many stories of that day, and I have shed tears with families of those that were lost.  I myself lost friends in the attacks on 9-11....and many more since-fighting the war on terrorism.  I have seen and experienced firsthand the devastation that rips through a family because of the senseless acts of that day....because it didn't just end that day.

I encourage you today to say a prayer for the fallen, the lost.  Say a prayer for the families who face a "new normal" now.  I can tell you from experience that just because years pass, it doesn't mean the pain goes away.  You just learn to live with it.  But don't just do this today.  Thank a policeman, a firefighter, an EMT, a soldier whenever you can.  It takes less than 30 seconds, but it means more to them than you know.  Don't just pay respects today, do it whenever you can.  It makes you feel better when someone shows their appreciation to you, right?  Think of the things these men and women see on a daily basis...a show of your appreciation for them goes a lot farther than you may think.  

To my friends and family who are serving or have served as police officers, firefighters, EMTs, soldiers-from the bottom of my heart I say thank you and I am so proud of you.  To their families-I say thank you and I am so proud of you.  My thoughts and prayers are with you always.  My thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims of 9-11 and their families.  I WILL NEVER FORGET.  

Bad apples

In the last couple of years, we have had several opportunities to do different activities for free through the Army Wounded Warrior (AW2) program.  We have an AMAZING advocate that has always gone above and beyond for all of her soldiers and is always making sure that they are taken care of, have everything they need, and get some amazing opportunities that are donated by some generous people.

What REALLY pisses me off is when there are wounded soldiers and/or their families that are ungrateful for the donations.  They want more...or better...than what is being given to them.  Heads up people.  These are donations.  It's given to you out of the kindness of these people's hearts.  They don't HAVE to do this.  We all get a bad name from the few people that are assholes that can't just be grateful and thankful for what they get.  We are not all like that.  It's bullshit that people like that ruin it for the rest of us.

Larry and I were talking about it on the way home the other night from one of the activities.  I don't know if maybe we just have a different perspective on things because of where we've been and what we've been through.  But when you have nothing, any little thing is a blessing.  When someone GIVES you something, no matter how small it is, you say thank you.  Period.  You don't complain that it's not bigger.  You don't bitch that someone else got more than you did.  When you are given something, ANYTHING, you have more than you started with and you be grateful.  When you're not, it makes people not want to do things for you anymore.  And when you represent a group...like AW2...you make all of us look bad.  That's just NOT ok.

Be grateful for what you have.  Be thankful for what you are given.  Sometimes people just make me so angry.

Speed bumps

I'm tired.  I'm emotionally drained.  I'm so ready to get away from reality for a few days.  I really thought I had a handle on things.  I'm getting to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel about anything.  I don't want to have to explain why I feel the way I do.  I don't want to be told that my feelings are wrong.  I can't help it.  It's not something that I can just turn off if I want to.  Believe me, if I could, I really would.  If I could look at everything and see only the positive, I would gladly do that.  But I'm human, and that's just not the way things work.  My feelings may be irrational, but I really can't help it.  I feel like I'm being judged...or labeled by some people because I don't think the way that they do.

More and more lately I feel alone.  I don't want to share things with people because I know they have to be getting tired of hearing it, especially if they don't understand what I feel and why I feel that way.  I'm tired of burdening other people with my junk when I know they have plenty of their own stuff they have to deal with. I know that I have support out there, but I'm tired of being the one that is constantly bitching about what's going on in my life and feeling like I'm putting things on people they don't need.  And I don't feel like I can do anything about it.  It's like a vicious cycle.

No one is going to be able to make me NOT feel like somehow I have done something wrong to deserve the things that are happening.  The more that we find out about our health and the fact that there is no reason that doctors can find that I have suffered this last loss, the more I think that there has to be some kind of karmic kickback that I am getting.  I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that will tell you I deserve everything that has happened to me.  And honestly, I don't know if they are wrong.

I don't know how to proceed now.  I don't know if I can handle another loss.  But I know my heart just can't give up.  I just don't know what to do.  I do feel like I'm falling back into a deep depression.  But I'm trying to keep my head up.  I can't go back on the meds because we don't know that that wasn't the reason I had this last loss.  I don't want anything in my body that could be even a little bit harmful if and when I get pregnant again.  I have to eliminate everything I can that could possibly be harmful from the equation.

I'm going to end this on a positive note.  I'm trying to find all of the positives that I can because I have to be the one to pull myself out of this.  I just have to say that I have the most amazing husband.  He lets me be sad and emotional and irrational and he's always there for me.  He's always trying to help me find the good...and try to work through the problems and find a suitable solution.  I want to be able to say that I CAN do this.  It's gonna take some work though.  I'll get there.  I think.

Overrun by Emotions

Ok.  This is my third try to write this blog.  I don't know how to get out what I want to say without sounding like a whiny baby.  But whatever, it's my blog, and that's what it's here for I suppose.

I've been so overwhelmed by emotions the last few days.  I don't know why it's been so bad, but I'm having a really hard time getting a handle on it.  I find myself either on the verge of or in tears more and more.  I am having such a hard time pulling myself out of this funk.  It's just been so hard to get past....I don't know what.  Frustrated and sad and stressed out....I just don't know wtf my problem is lately.

Can someone just slap me and tell me to get over it?  The closer we get to Disneyland, the more I feel like I REALLY need this vacation.  I know where some of the stress is coming from...it's the reason why we're going to CA in the first place.  But I am just having such a hard time processing it anymore.  UGH!

Understanding...or lack thereof

Right now, I should be celebrating getting through my first trimester.  I should be breathing a little easier....having met one of my milestones.  I should be "graduating" from infertility specialist to an OB. What am I doing instead?  Wondering why it is that everyone around me can get pregnant and have babies and I can't.  I'm letting the knowledge that I will never know why my baby died sink in.  I'm trying to understand why it is I have to go through this...what I did to make this happen.   Wishing that people around me could just see through my eyes for one second how much I hurt and maybe be a little more understanding.  Hoping that one day I'll just be numb to this and just not give a shit that everyone around me can be having kids...planning kids....enjoying being a family....while I sit here and struggle.  Of course I want everyone else to be happy....and I want to celebrate with them....but just once, I want it to be me celebrating.  I'm just tired of being the one to be celebrating everyone else's joys and coming home and crying myself to sleep at night.  It's times like this when I have time to think about things that I just go over and over it in my head.  What if I did this?  What if I didn't do this?  I'm tired and I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now.  If there's nothing wrong with me, and nothing wrong with Larry, why am I losing my pregnancies?  What is it that is going wrong?  Why does everything have to be such a struggle for us?  Just once, I want the life lesson that I'm supposed to learn to be that everything can turn out great-that your dreams can come true-that miracles do happen.  That all of the pain and struggle and learning has paid off.  Whatever.  I'm too tired.  I'm sick of having to think positive and find all the good in everything that's happened.  I don't want to break everything down to find reasoning in it.  I'm just exhausted and I'm sick of being dealt these kinds of hands.  I don't feel like fighting anymore.

It's just not that simple...

It's 330am.  I tried to sleep in my bed for the first time since I started the meds to start the loss...and I just couldn't get comfortable or shut my mind off.  I guess my make-shift couch bed is perfect for the way I need to lay in order to not hurt too bad.  So, here I am, letting my poor husband (who has been absolutely amazing might I add) get some sleep without me moving around trying to get comfortable.

I want to say, before I go on, that when I write these blogs, I do it because I want people to understand where those of us dealing with infertility and/or loss are coming from.  I don't do it to make anyone feel bad...or point out that something you said was "wrong".  So, if you've said anything I'm about to write (or have written about before) to me, or to anyone you know that is struggling with infertility or loss, 1) don't apologize, and 2) don't get offended.  Part of the journey for me has been learning how to put on a happy face and remember that people are only trying to help and make you feel better.  I'm not embarrassed or uncomfortable at all to talk about infertility and loss, but the majority of people going through it are.  I don't know if my lack of filter when it comes to this stuff is a good thing or a bad thing sometimes, but oh well.  Those of us that are going through this know that the majority of people have the best intentions in mind, even if the words for us are really frustrating.

So what am I talking about?  I have been asked A LOT in the last 2 weeks "have you considered adoption?"  The short answer is yes.  But the majority of people that ask that a) have had children and/or b) never struggled with infertility.  This is where I say it's just not that simple.  Yes, adoption is an option.  But for someone in my position, and I would imagine for most people, having your OWN child that is your flesh and blood is your first choice.  And when it's a struggle...it's just all the more frustrating because then you start feeling like this is a natural thing that should be easy right?  And when it's not....that's when you start thinking you did something wrong..or you're a failure...see where this is going?  The first thing that comes to people's minds is that there are thousands of kids out there that need homes.  And you are absolutely right.  But that doesn't change the fact that you want YOUR baby.  Adoption is wonderful, but for someone that is struggling with infertility, it's not the answer they are looking for right now.  Will they adopt someday?  Maybe.  But it's harder than you could ever imagine to give up the dream of having a baby with your eyes and your partner's smile....

Add to that the complication of having a loss.  That's when people really don't know what to say to you.    Ignoring a person who has had a loss is a bad idea.  Telling them that everything happens for a reason...is frustrating to hear.  We know that.  But what we are asking ourselves at that point is "Why" and hearing that there is a reason for it...doesn't help..it just adds to our frustration because we WANT an answer, and there may never be one that's made obvious to us.

Let me also just say that what we DON'T need at this point, especially after we have been suffering physically going through a loss, is for you to try to "help" and ask a "professional" what it's going to feel like.  First of all, telling me that it doesn't usually hurt worse than this or that doesn't actually MAKE it hurt less.  Remember that even if  you have had a loss, your body is WAY different than the next person's.  Also, as in my case, a natural loss is different than one induced by meds.  I had 2 previous losses...and they hurt.  But this one....this one laid me out flat...and I'm still struggling.  And that's not like me at all.  I can tolerate a lot.  The meds I took forced my body, which apparently didn't get the memo that the pregnancy was not normal, to get rid of what it thought was a healthy pregnancy...and FAST.  A natural loss takes on average 5-7 days.  This does it in 1-2 days....or at least the bulk of it.  I have never had pain that intense.  So I don't care who you talk to and what sort of degree they have...you can't tell me what it's going to do to me because it's different for everyone and it's just going to piss me off if you tell me that your "professional" said it's not going to hurt as bad as I'm feeling.  Whether you can wrap your head around the process and the pain it causes is your concern, not mine.  So trying to convince me that my PHYSICAL pain is in my head because my EMOTIONAL pain is making it worse...will make me want to slap you..and it won't HELP me get through anything.  

Let me also make something PERFECTLY clear.  I do not now, nor will I ever, ask for or want your pity.  What I want...and I'm sure that I speak for most women in my shoes...is for you to let me feel how I'm going to feel.  This is a LOSS.  It's going to take time to heal and to grieve.  And everyone does that differently too.  What we need is for someone to just listen.  Let me feel like my world is ending...because right now, it feels like it is.  Let me cry, let me be sad, let me be mad.  DON'T tell me how to feel, DON'T tell me how I should feel (again, physically either!) because that doesn't help.  When you don't know what to say....just let us know you are thinking about us.  That it's ok for us to hurt.  An ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on goes a LONG way.  You might be uncomfortable around someone that has had a loss, but really, there is no reason to be.  We don't blame you.  We don't want you to fix it.  We know you can't.  We just need to know that when we fall into a million pieces, that you will be there to help put them back together, no matter how long it takes and how difficult it is.

The most important thing (and this goes for ANY kind of loss and I can't say this enough) is that we know that you have our back.  We don't have any expectations of you other than to know that you care.  Whether just the struggle of infertility or the pain of a loss of any kind, we just need to know you are there.  Imagine FEELING like an outcast because, for whatever reason, you're not "normal"....and then imagine people TREATING you like an outcast because they just don't know what to say to you.  Makes it 1000x worse.  Don't make us feel like you think you're going to catch our pain cooties.  Don't make us feel like we are alone.  But really, please don't try to fix it.  We're not asking you to.  If we thought you had a magic wand that would fix things, we would have beat you up and taken it a long time ago.

Not everyone is as open as I am about this stuff.  But I have learned that the more information people have, the better things are all around.  I have been lucky in that my family and my friends are all supportive and understanding.  Do I still hear some of the things that I mentioned here?  Yes.  All the time.  But I figure, if I talk about it, and even one person can use this to help another friend...it's worth it.  The saddest thing for me is that I have lost people I considered very close friends over these issues because they refused to see that everyone IS different, physically and emotionally, and that hurts.  But we all have to move on, and hopefully this maybe helps prevent that from happening to someone else.

Now that it is 5am, I am exhausted and uncomfortable, and I have another appt. in the morning (oh yay *rolling eyes*) I should shut up and go to bed.  Again, I don't mind talking about any of this stuff.  If you don't know what to say to someone, I don't mind if you ask me.  Y'all know I'm opinionated and I don't mind talking....but I would love to be there to help make your situation easier for you or for someone you're trying to help.  I'm really an open book...and I don't get offended easily, so please ask away.

Seriously?

Ok, let me preface this whole blog by saying this.....if you don't like it, don't read it.  I again am not going to apologize for my opinions.

The events in Colorado at the movie theater were tragic.  I am in no way saying that they weren't.  But I am so...disappointed in America as a whole right now.  First of all, why the HELL would we ramp up security in that ONE movie...and why would the Batman movie suffer sales?  It's not like it was Batman's fault this happened.  

What I'm most upset about is this-why can we not pay more attention to the tragedies that are happening EVERY SINGLE day here?  EVERY DAY veterans commit suicide....1 ever 80 minutes.  That is an outrageous statistic!  But I don't see ribbons with "pray for the veterans who died today" posted on everyone's facebook every day.  Why?  Is it because not enough of them do it all at once?  Would you pay more attention to it if there was a bunch that happened together?  WHY can we not take up a cause unless it's huge, national, sensational news?  WHY are we not fighting for these men and women??  WHY are we looking the other way, yet we are outraged at the shooting in CO???  Why are they so different?  There are people being killed in horrible accidents every day.  There are people that are being killed by gangs every day.  There are people dying of illness every day.  And yet, we look the other way and figure it will just work itself out.  THOSE PEOPLE HAVE FAMILIES TOO!  Those families are grieving JUST THE SAME as the families of the victims in CO.  They have lost their loved ones too, but what makes them so much less important than those 12?  

I get so sick of seeing this happening.  They are bringing people from Columbine in to talk about what happens next.  WHY ARE OUR VETERANS NOT GETTING THIS SAME ATTENTION?  We RUSH to get these families help, yet there are tens of thousands of veterans that are fighting to get help...that CAN'T get help....and no one is rushing to their aid!  There are 1,000,000 veterans waiting for VA claims...why are we not OUTRAGED?  Same thing with victims of crimes that happen every day...their families have needs...who's rushing to their aid?!?!?!??!  

And FYI, if you're going to talk about gun control, consider this.  Do criminals NOW pay any attention to the legality of the firearms they carry or what they do with them?  Do you think that putting in stricter gun laws is going to change that?  NO.  All it is going to do is take away law abiding citizens rights to defend themselves.  It's taking away the law abiding citizens rights and freedoms that our brave men and women fought and gave their lives for.  I choose to have the option of defending myself, my loved ones, and everything that I've fought and worked for...and everything that my husband fought and sacrificed for.  More gun laws mean the ONLY people that will have the firearms they want....will be the people who are going to use them to harm others.  PERIOD.  

And one more thing-you want to stop this increase in violence?  How about punishing your kids?  How about giving REAL consequences to criminals?  Where was the breakdown?  It's when we stopped teaching our children right from wrong.  It's when we stopped paying attention to them.  It's when we stopped making them EARN privileges and started GIVING them everything they wanted.  How about TEACHING your kids morals and values and stop blaming video games and movies and TV for everything.  It starts with YOU-YOU teach them it's not ok to shoot people.  YOU teach them that there is a consequence for breaking the law...for disobeying.  YOU teach them to respect authority.  Don't expect everyone else to do it for you!  We as a society are to blame for how out of hand our crime has gotten.

Ok.  I think I'm done venting for now...at least my fingers are cramping so I need to stop.  

Raw emotion

I'm going to be REAL honest, and I'm going to piss people off I'm sure.  So if you read this and you get your feelings hurt because of something I say, you've been warned.  Because this is how I feel right this second, and I'm not going to apologize for it.

I know I shouldn't have gotten excited about being pregnant-I knew that it was such a slight chance that this was going to work out, but I had started to let my guard down and be more hopeful than I should have.  Right now all I can think about is that I want to scream in frustration at all the women who complain.  You can't do all your normal activities because you're pregnant?  SO WHAT!  You gained some weight during your pregnancy?  GET OVER IT!  I would give anything...ANYTHING to just keep a pregnancy full term and have a healthy baby.  I would endure anything.  I honestly would.  There are people that have real issues and are in serious pain or really sick-I get that.  NOT what I'm talking about.  What I'm talking about is complaining about the silly things.  The weight gain, the morning sickness.  The fact that you don't think that pregnancy is "cute".  It's a BLESSING.  Get the fuck over yourself.  If you didn't want to be pregnant, if you didn't want the weight gain or the symptoms, there are ways of preventing it.  So stop whining about it because for those of us who all we have ever wanted was that experience, you just look like a total asshole.

I don't even know what to pray for anymore.  I've been praying so hard for a healthy, full term pregnancy, that now I'm just lost.  I don't know what to think or feel anymore.  I don't know if there was something I did or didn't do....or maybe I'm getting what I deserve?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  I don't know if I'm suppose to try again or if I'm supposed to give up.  I know Larry doesn't deserve all this, so I know that if karma is the issue, it's me.  I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing.  I think the problem was I was really allowing myself to be hopeful.  Seeing a heartbeat and seeing a baby....I really thought we had this fixed.

We have lots of big decisions that we have to make soon, and I don't want to make them.  I don't want to be this person.  Thanks to my shiny new diagnosis of recurring early pregnancy loss, doc gives me a 50/50 chance of keeping any future pregnancies.  How many times can I do this...and is it fair for me to try to bring a baby into this world if those are my odds?  Someone wake me up after menopause.  Then at least I'll KNOW there's not a chance and this decision making won't be so difficult.

Surprised and a big vent...you've been warned.

I'm kind of surprised that I've made it almost 2 weeks between appointments and I haven't completely lost my mind.  I'm keeping a positive attitude that everything is going to be ok.  I'm scared, but I am praying like a mad woman, so I'm hoping that my prayers are being heard and Tuesday's appointment is going to go really well.  In the meantime, I've been actually glad to have the symptoms I have, it's kind of making me feel like if I have them, things are still on track.  At least I hope that's what they mean...LOL  

In the meantime, I'm working really hard on not stressing too much.  One thing that I get a little tired of people doing is telling me that I need to get used to this or that, or that life is going to be changed so much.  I KNOW THIS.  I'm not a teenager who wants to have a baby to have a living doll to play with.  I'm an adult.  I've been trying to have a baby for a LONG time now.  I've worked in child care and I have had plenty of experience with babies.  For instance-I've been gagging A LOT more with smells the last few weeks.  Larry tells me the other day "Are you going to be able to handle changing diapers? Cuz you know that babies poop and it's smelly."  Really?  I thought they were born potty trained and their poop smelled like sunshine.  And people that keep "reminding" me that once you have a baby, you don't get to buy as many things as we do now and our focus is going to have to be the baby.  Well, first of all, if that was going to be an issue....it's a little late for a warning like that isn't it?  And secondly, all I have ever wanted was to have a child and provide for them...and just BE A MOM!  Why is that so hard for people to understand?  Is it because we're so much older than the "norm" with having babies?   Is it because people think that because we've lived so long one way that we won't be able to adapt to change?  Between that and people trying to make sure that I know that pregnancy is MISERABLE and I'm going to just want this person out of me as soon as possible...I think I might just explode.  Am I nauseous...yes.  Am I exhausted...yes.  Do I hurt...yes.  But I'm going to soak up every single second of the miserable because I have always dreamed of having a baby....of being pregnant.  I've been down the road where I didn't know if this was ever going to be possible for me...and who knows?  I'm still very early on and nothing is guaranteed.  But this is what I have always wanted...and I have been heartbroken on more than one occasion thinking that it would never be within my reach.  Do some days suck?  Absolutely...but I love them just as much as the days that don't because it means that I am being given the opportunity I thought might never happen and I'm trying to enjoy every second of it because I don't know when it's going to end.  It could be 8 1/2 months from now..it could be sooner.  I don't know.  But I am thankful for every minute I am blessed with this because I know that there are people out there that would kill to be feeling this way.  I am one of them.  

Infertility isn't something that just goes away if you get pregnant.  In most cases, there are so many more risks you have to overcome.  And getting pregnant doesn't erase the memory of the times you had losses either.  I've learned so much on this journey-and it's FAR from over.  I'm scared out of my mind that something is going to go wrong...that this is too good to be true.  But I'm putting my faith in God and trusting Him that no matter the outcome, I was meant to take this journey.  Believe it or not, even women that DO get pregnant who have struggled with infertility....we still hurt.  Heartbreak and sadness and the feeling of helplessness doesn't just go away.  You still feel the struggle, especially if you have friends or family that are going through it still.  Remember that hearts can heal, but sadness does leave scars.

So for the people out there that think that women that have struggled with infertility that have HAD children should just suck it up and be thankful they have kids, to you I say walk a mile in our shoes.  Go through the heartache, the frustration, the feelings of "why me" or "what did I do to deserve this", the sadness of loss....go through years of watching people around you have kids.  Feel what it's like to think that your dreams will never come true....over and over and over again.  Get beat down and have to pick yourself up time and time again, plaster that smile on your face...THEN come and talk to us.  If you haven't been there, don't assume that you'd do it differently or feel any differently.  Because just like ANY journey, you never know how you're going to feel/react until you've been there, so save your judgements until you can tell me you TRULY understand!

That kinda day.

So, I'm sure that most people that read this already know that I have been on Sertraline (Zoloft) for several years for PTSD, OCD, Depression and Anxiety.  Wellllll, I decided that I did not want any other meds in my system if they didn't need to be there.  Originally, I was going to stay on it through the 2nd trimester, but after seeing the baby, I just couldn't add any extra risks.  So I weaned off of them.  

I'm really feeling it.  Especially today.  I am freaking out about everything.  I'm freaking out because the baby was measuring at 6 weeks last week.  What if baby's not growing right?  I know that we are reaching the other milestones like an apparent heartbeat, but what if there's still something wrong?  And let's not even get started on the upcoming VA appointments for Larry.  Everything just keeps going through my head.  I'm really tired, and I can't sleep because I can't shut my brain off.  I'm going over dates in my head, trying to figure out if the baby is really far behind....I just want to shut it all off for a bit, but now that it's started, I don't know how to get it to stop.  Today is the first day that I've really felt like the anxiety is really overwhelming.  I'm trying really hard to just calm down, but I have another week to go till my next appointment.  What if there's something wrong and I don't have any symptoms...and then I go in next week and the baby's heart isn't beating or it hasn't grown any. 

*sigh* I just wish there was a way to know if everything was going to be ok.  I might not lose my mind in the process. 

So many emotions

I'm on the mother of all emotional roller coasters.  One minute I'm feeling so positive and hopeful, the next I'm scared out of my wits.  I don't know which end is up a lot of days.  I want so bad for this to be THE time....but I worry that history will repeat itself.  We are so much further than we've ever been, and that gives me some confidence, but there's that nagging in the back of my mind that says "what if."  I have been able to handle a lot of it through prayer honestly.  It takes a lot to realize that it is indeed out of your hands....that the outcome will be what it's supposed to be no matter what you do.  Worrying won't help, and I'm learning to just let it go and give it to God.  That's a huge step for me.  13 years is a lot of time to build up anxiety and worry....but so far, I think I'm keeping it under control.

Next appointment is in about 11 days.  We're hoping for a nice little growth spurt from the baby monkey. =o)  We really appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers.  The support and love we have received is amazing...so thank you to everyone that has been so amazing through this journey.  We appreciate your continued prayers!!

The Power of Prayer...

I gave up on May.  I was sure that I had not conceived and we were going to have 2 more tries...June and July before we started making the hard decisions.  On June 4th, I took a positive pregnancy test.  Surprised.....is an understatement.  I went in for levels..they were only at 25...so they were low.  Retest 2 days later and I was at 49..and 2 days after that it was 123.  We'd been here before so I was not going to get excited.  Because of my history, doc wanted to do an ultrasound that Wednesday.  Went in, and saw nothing.  Doc was convinced that it was going to be another miscarriage, but went in for another check of my levels and they were up to 494.  Two days later, 880.  Now, I'd never had levels go this high, but I was still not sure what to think.  U/S a few days later.....and WE SAW BABY!  Well, it was a gestational sac and yolk sac.  I had most definitely NEVER been this far.  Doc was still arguing with me over conception date....so a week later....back in for another U/S and we think we saw a heartbeat!  Doc was still on the fence, not wanting to say for sure that it was viable, so yesterday we went for another ultrasound, and we saw a very apparent heartbeat.  Baby is measuring a little small for the date of conception according to doc, but I'm thinking we're right on.  He still won't give me a due date, but it's going to be mid-late February.  However, I don't have to go back for 2 weeks this time...small milestones.....

What has been going through my head?  Well first of all, I've been back and forth about writing this blog and sharing this news with everyone, just because of my history.  Heartache is not new to me, but I hate having to tell everyone that I've miscarried.   Big surprise right?  Well, it's more than just being sad to lose a baby.  It's embarrassment and a feeling of failure too.  While I know that those feelings aren't rational, it's real hard not to feel that way.  We're still not out of the woods yet, not even close.  But I figure, the more prayers, the better, right?

It's very different being in the situation that I'm in...having had previous miscarriages....not knowing for sure if the only thing that was causing them was being fixed.  The milestones that I celebrate are so much different.  Every day that I don't have bleeding or bad symptoms....it's one day closer to a full term, healthy baby.  But that's all I have.  A day at a time.  Every time that I have another good U/S, I allow myself to be just a little more hopeful.  But I'm too scared to be REALLY hopeful....to look too far in the future.  

Now, it's just a waiting game.  Wait, wait, wait.  Story of my life right?!  LOL  It's ok though.  I'm just trying to relax and put all of my trust in God.  I know that this is going to be a long, hard journey.  But I've been an open book up till now, and I've gotten such positive feedback from my blog that I wanted to continue to share the journey with everyone.

Thank you all for the positive thoughts and the prayers.  Please keep them coming....they are keeping us going!

Multiple Personalities....

I'm finding myself at war....with myself.  Part of me wants to be mad, sad, frustrated, heartbroken, upset.....all of those negative things.  The infertility issues are just taking such a toll on me.  I want so bad to be able to handle these things so much better.  We gave ourselves June and July...and then we were going to be taking a step back and re-evaluating things.  I just don't know if my heart can give up.  The what if's will take over.

The other part of me wants to be positive...wants to laugh and just try to keep as upbeat as possible.  The only thing that has been keeping me even a little sane is my ability to see the ridiculousness in my every day life.  I seriously feel like my insides are playing a tug of war....and at this point, I'm really not sure what side is winning.  

I'd love to have some answers.  Just a few....soon.  Before I really do lose my mind.

Funny how things are....

The last couple have weeks have been an interesting experience for me.  So many different things going on, and so many emotions.  It's been up and down and sometimes just weird.  

One thing that I am noticing is that I am enjoying being a peer mentor for caregivers.  I'm really enjoying the fact that I'm doing something to help others that are going through the same things that I did.  It makes me feel like I'm making a difference...that something good can come out of the mess that Larry and I have been through.  It's harder some days than it is others.  For instance, last night I had the most intense nightmare I've had in a few months.  This was after I was woken up by Larry hitting me a few times in his sleep.  He always feels so bad.  It's nothing that he can control, and we laugh about it.  But the truth is, him hurting me when he was sleeping was HIS turning point.  It scared him.  This was a few years ago.  It obviously still happens, but nothing like it did before.  When I talk to people about BOTH of our issues, they sometimes look at me funny or ask me "Still?"  Yes.  This is not something that magically goes away. You don't wake up one day and you're just over it.  It's a lifelong battle.  Some days are harder than others.  

I will say that I am so grateful to be in a position where I can put some of my experience to good use.  I really enjoy talking with other spouses about what happened to us and hearing what happened to them.  Just as the infertility is a long, lonely road, so is this.  There aren't a lot of people who truly understand what it is to go through what we've been through.  Am I proud of us?  HELL YEAH.  We've worked really hard to get where we are, and we work really hard daily to keep moving in the right direction.  We take some steps back, but it's to be expected.  But I hold my head high knowing that we've conquered the things that we have and knowing that we are both fighting to keep improving and moving forward.  I am so proud of Larry.  There's just no other way to say it.  I am blessed to be his wife.  He's amazing, and I thank God every day that he's here and we're making it on this journey together!

This week

I have so much to say about this week.  I'm sure that this blog is going to be all over the place.  So let me first start with saying that this is Military Appreciation Week-with Friday being Military Spouse Appreciation Day.  Remember that the military member is not the only one that is affected by deployment, injuries, etc.  The military family is a special one, and it's not easy...and not for everyone.  So make sure that this week you take a moment to send a prayer up for all of the military members and their families.

Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday right now.  Every year it's the same thing.  And with this year comes an extra bit of sadness-my due date would be right around the corner had I not miscarried this time. Heartbreaking doesn't begin to describe the feelings....

And the biggest event weighing heavily on my heart right now.  Princess Estrella's one year Angel-versary.  May 11th has come so fast.  And her 9th birthday on May 14th...I just can't believe it's been a year.  A year ago, on the night of the 10th, I sat with 2 of the most amazing parents I have ever met as they soaked in every last second of their daughter's life.  They had been up for several days, fearing that if they shut their eyes for just one moment, they would miss her precious last breath.  They were so tired....I headed over to be with them....hoping they might get a little bit of sleep while I watched Princess-making sure that if anything were to happen they would be awake.  I also wanted to spend some time with my girl.  I knew her for such a short time....but in that little bit of time, she (and her parents) taught me more about unconditional, unwavering love than I could have ever imagined.  They taught me about overcoming adversity, and how to look at the world in a completely different light.  I miss her attitude...and boy did she have it!  

For a little girl that wasn't supposed to make it to 1, I'd say making it to 8 (3 days shy, but she and I decided that it counted) is kicking some serious butt.  I believe with all my heart that her family, particularly her mommy, is the reason that she fought for so long.  To see her with Jessica.....it is something that I will never forget.  She loved her mommy and her daddy and her brothers so much.  Their strength through all of this has been immense.  

Jessica, my heart hurts for you, but it also rejoices with you that one day you will see that baby girl running and jumping and dancing in the streets of Heaven.  You know she's got a place all set aside for you guys and she's probably the boss by now.  I am honored and truly blessed to know you, to know Princess, to know your family.  I know there is a reason that God brought us together.  Thank you for letting me share in the life of your precious angel.  Thank you for letting me be there for you, for sharing your good days and your bad days with me.  Thank you for being my friend and always being just as concerned for me as I am for you.  I'm honored to hold your hand through this and be a part of this journey.  Thank you for letting me learn so much from your Princess in such a short time, and thank you for the honor and privilege of spending those hours with you the last night you held your Princess.  I love you, and of course your beautiful family.  And I love and miss that special girl.  Thank you Miss Estrella for teaching me and sharing your family and their strength with me.  Thank you for all of the special memories you left.  I love you Princess, and I can't wait to see you again!

The last day

So today is the final day of the official Infertility Awareness Week.  For those of you that read my blogs (and Larry's), thank you.  It may be the end for the awareness week, and this may be something you don't think about again, it's something that I get up and face every single day.  I was hoping for a positive end to this week, but of course, it's not in the cards this month.  Again.  There's lots of decisions that are going to have to be made in the upcoming months.  As always, I'm just going to try to take it one day at a time and try real hard to take it all in stride.  It's a long journey, one that won't be over anytime soon.  I hope that this week has helped you see into what it means to deal with infertility.

Infertility from HIS point of view

Thank you Nini for this idea!  Infertility does not just affect one person in the relationship, it affects you both.  But in very different ways.  I asked Larry to blog about what this journey has been like....so here he goes.

So, Chani asked me to talk a bit about what this journey has been like for me.  We've been trying to start a family for over a decade now.  Our situation hits Chani a lot more than it does me.  Don't get me wrong, I would love to have a child..and soon, but I view our situation a bit differently than my wife.  Maybe some of the other husbands in similar situations feel as I do and from the outside it may look like we don't care or we're not as anxious as our counterparts, but we are, just in different way.  I know we'll have a child-start our family soon.  I am hoping to have our own, but I know that adoption is an option.  Either way, we will start our family.  I'm trying to remain optimistic because I know that conceiving a child is so important to Chani and this process has been stressful for her.  Since women are the ones that carry the baby and create that bond, it is only natural for them to have a strong desire to experience pregnancy.  My biggest stresses are the way it affects my wife and seeing the emotional toll it's taking on her.  She says it's a guy thing, but I just want to fix it.  In my experience, a lot of the time, Chani just needs to talk about it.  She needs to vent and get it all out.  It's frustrating for me, as her husband, to just sit there and listen when every fiber in my being wants to fix it.  It has taken me many years to realize that a lot of times, all I have to do is listen and be there for her.  The most important thing I try to do is stay positive, offer encouragement, and reassure her that we will have a family someday.  At the end of the day, before we go to sleep, I just want my wife to be happy.  Dealing with infertility is tough, both for Chani and for myself.  I know how precious life is, especially after nearly losing my life.  I try to be positive and keep a good attitude about all of this because I feel like, just as it helped me heal and recover, it will help us get through this.  I want to help Chani through the days when she is frustrated and depressed, when she feels like it is her fault and she's at a breaking point.  I believe wholeheartedly in the power of positive thinking, and I know that it is hard for Chani to handle, so I try to bear some of the burden-let her know that it will happen for us someday, and that she will be a wonderful mommy to our child-no matter if it is ours or if we choose to adopt.  

I hope all of this makes sense to you, and I hope that maybe, in some way, it can help some of you that might think your partner doesn't care as much as you do.  We do care.  I want to be a daddy just as much as Chani wants to be a mommy (even if she thinks it's just so I can buy toys.)  I can't wait until that time comes, but in the meantime, it's my job to pick her up when she's down and make sure that she knows how much I love her and that soon we will have a FAMILY.  

Coping with Infertility

I'm sure that by now you have somewhat of an idea of how infertility affects those who are struggling with it.  But how do you cope with it?  What can you do that will make it even a little easier?

First, you need to determine if you truly are dealing with infertility.  So what is considered infertility?  Infertility means not being able to get pregnant after 1 year of unprotected, well timed intercourse (6 months if the woman is over 35).  Woman who can get pregnant but cannot stay pregnant may also be considered infertile.  It is not just women who suffer from infertility.  The issues can also come from the man.  The best way to determine what is causing the infertility is to see a specialist.  But you need to be prepared.  Not all causes of infertility can be treated.  You must be ready to hear whatever it is the doctor needs to tell you, even if it means that you cannot have children.  Even if your issues can be treated, infertility treatments are exhausting-both mentally and physically.  You need to be ready for the emotional toll that it may take on you.  Bottom line-you need to be in a good place and ready to put up a fight-it's not a good idea to add the stresses of infertility treatments to other difficulties you may be experiencing.

Once you have seen the specialist and have had tests run, they will sit down with you and discuss a treatment plan.  Both of you should be tested, so you will learn what exactly is causing your infertility (whether it's you or your partner.)  My suggestion is to read up on the condition(s) you have.  Knowledge is never a bad thing.  This way, when you are talking to your doctor, you can ask educated questions and look at your treatment plan from all angles.  And do what the doctor tells you to do!  You're not going to get anywhere if you aren't taking the medications or following the treatment plan.  Write key days on your calendar.  

I'm going to warn you, because I'm all about being real.  Infertility can take over your life.  It's something that's always there nagging at you.  You will spend days wondering if this symptom is because your pregnant or if it's just in your head.  You're going to stare real hard at pregnancy tests and try to see that 2nd line that says it's positive.  You're going to wonder what the hell you were thinking deciding to do this.  You're going to be sad.  You're going to be frustrated.  

So what do you DO?  How do you get through it without pulling all of your hair out?  There are a few things that I have found that have really helped me.

First-DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED.  This is not something to be ashamed of.  There will be days where you will feel like it's your fault and you will beat yourself up over it.  But you'd be surprised how many other women are going through it. 

Second-TALK ABOUT IT.  If you're not comfortable calling up a friend and discussing it, or you really just can't bring yourself to open up to someone you know, there are so many support boards online that you can read and ask questions anonymously.  I am going to warn you though.  They can be really frustrating.  People are very uneducated about infertility issues and will post on there after 1 or 2 months of not conceiving.  They really don't understand that that does not mean they are infertile-and when you read those posts, if you're anything like me, it's all you can do not to want to reach through the screen and strangle them.  Support from your spouse or a close friend or two will do wonders.  Be honest about your feelings.  If none of those work, counselors might be a consideration.  This is one of the hardest journeys you are going to go on and you need the support, however you get it.

Third-RELAX.  No, I don't mean "if you just relax, it will happen."  I mean make time for yourself to rest, to relax, to breathe.  Meditate, do yoga, read a book...whatever helps you to calm down.  When (I'm  being positive here) you get pregnant, you will especially need this.  Just as the getting pregnant part is hard, the being pregnant part is just as difficult.  Realistically, you're going to be worried.  Being super stressed all the time can be harmful to your baby, so you need to find some way to be calm.

Lastly-KEEP A JOURNAL.  Not only will this help you in keeping track of things like side effects, treatments that have been tried, etc., it is also a nice outlet for you.  If you absolutely refuse to talk to someone about what you are going through, keeping a journal and writing about your feelings will help.  It's better to talk about it, don't get me wrong.  But if you can't bring yourself to do that, this is a great way to let some of it out.

I'm sure that there are lots of other really great ideas out there on how to cope.  My hope is that some of what I have been through or am going through can help others on their infertility journey.  This is a long road.  Being prepared for it is the first step you should take.

A look into a month's cycle

I hope you're not squeamish or embarrass easy, because there's gonna be a lot of those kinds of words in here.  So I thought that I would give you a little glimpse into what a month is like for someone that is going through infertility treatments.  This is my own experience, and of course, will be a bit different for everyone.  But this is fairly typical-ish for PCOS treatments.

Every day I take Metformin.  Typically a med for diabetes, it's helpful for PCOS because one of the causes of PCOS is the inability to regulate insulin properly.  It also is supposed lower the risk of miscarriages in women with PCOS.  I also take thyroid meds.  My thyroid levels are too high, meaning my thyroid is working too hard.  Regulating your thyroid is important, whether you're trying to conceive or not.  I also take Folgard.  That is a folic acid supplement-it's like mega folic acid and B-12.  I take this because of the MTHFR gene mutation I have.  I don't absorb folic acid correctly and this is supposed to help with that.

Cycle Day (CD) 1-This is when your period starts.  It's important that you know this not just for your treatment, but also if you do get pregnant, you'll have a timeline to go on.  Generally you'll call your infertility doc and have your meds to help you ovulate prescribed.  Chlomid is the most common.  There are others.  I'm on Femara which was not developed for infertility issues but is proving to be beneficial.

CD 2-4-It depends on who you are, but these are typical PMS days-cranky, painful, tired...if you're a woman or know a woman, you know these are the days to NOT say anything about the chocolate bar she just ate or the Lifetime movie she's watching.

CD 5-9-These are the days you take your meds to help you to ovulate.  While sometimes metformin on it's own will do that, for a lot of women, it's not enough.  These meds tend to have some pretty ugly side effects.  Your hormones are all over the place.  Those of you that have spent any time with me while I've been on those meds knows that the hot flashes and food cravings are ridiculous.  And the nausea.  Since I've switched from Chlomid to Femara, the side effects have lessened, but they are still there and seem to be getting a little worse the more months I'm on it.  Of course, just like with anything, your body chemistry will factor into what kind of side effects you have.

CD 10-11-Time to buy the ovulation predictor kit, or OPK.  These basically tell you whether you are getting ready to ovulate by measuring the luteinizing hormone (LH).  Just before ovulation, there is a surge in this hormone and that is what the OPK detects.  

CD 12-16-This is the time during the cycle that most women will ovulate.  When the OPK shows a surge, it's time to place a call to the doc.  It's time for the Intra-uterine insemination (IUI).  Sometimes when you go in, they will do an ultrasound, internal for those of you that don't know, to check to see if you have ovulated for sure.  Those are made even more exciting when your ovaries, which float free, hide behind your uterus.  The IUI is just what it sounds like.  They take your partner's sperm, do what's called a sperm wash (taking out all of the no good sperm, do a count, measure motility) and then inseminate you. For patients like me this is important because on top of all these other things, I have severe scarring on my cervix.  Several years ago they had to remove a portion of it due to pre-cancerous cells.  (On a scale of 1-10, 10 being cancer, I was about a 9 1/2.)  

CD 17-30-Ah, the wait.  This is the longest 2 weeks of your life.  Until next month when you do it again.  If you're lucky, some time towards the end of these 2 weeks you'll take a pregnancy test and it will be positive.  But if not, this is when your heart breaks.  You build up this hope all month long that this is going to be the month that it happens.  You say your prayers and you have your friends and family say their prayers too.  Seeing a negative is like letting the air out of a balloon.  There is no way to explain the disappointment and heartache.

That's a look into a typical month for me.  I wish I could convey the mental exhaustion.  I wish I could put into words how tired you feel....not just mentally, but physically.  This affects everything.  It's what you think about when you wake up.  It's what you think about when you cry yourself to sleep at night.  This is real.  It's like the movie Groundhog Day, only instead of repeating just one day, you repeat the whole month.  

PCOS-just some thoughts

Alright.  So this is what I have.  It's PCOS-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  Basically, I have a whole lot of cysts in my ovaries that prevent me from ovulating.  All of my fertility docs have taken one look and said that it's textbook-looking at mine looks like they took the pic straight from the books.  Nice right?

There are a few things that I want to clear up about this.  You can imagine, I've heard it all...

Yes, for some people, losing weight helps.  Ah, but there's a catch.  Having PCOS makes it much more difficult to lose weight.  So you can see, it's a vicious cycle.  Also, one of the most common meds they use, metformin, gives you some serious cravings.  Add a hormone roller coaster and guess what?  It's a lot more difficult to "just say no" to the sweets than you think.  Plus, it's really exciting to walk into a doctor's office and have them tell you that they'll help you, only if you lose weight.  Because apparently people that are overweight aren't allowed to seek treatment for infertility?  

Yes, I have gotten pregnant.  Twice even.  Once in 1999 and once last year.  Both ended in miscarriages.  Are we sure what happened?  No.  We have an idea.  I also have the MTHFR gene mutation.  In a nutshell, my body doesn't absorb folic acid the way it should.  Since folic acid is key in brain stem development, and also crucial in pretty much everything in early pregnancy, that's a problem.  The fix is to take mega-folic acid supplements in addition to prenatal vitamins.  Will it work for me?  I don't know.  If that was the only other issue, it may.  We'll just have to wait and see if I get pregnant again.  There's no guarantee that will happen though.

No, I haven't exhausted all of my options.  The next step would be IVF.  The cost for ONE round of IVF is about $12000.  And my doctor is not only one of the best in the nation, but one of the least expensive.  And there is no guarantee that it will take.  Is it an option?  Maybe.  I'm really hoping that it doesn't come to making that decision.  Would I do anything to get pregnant?  Yes....within our means.  Would you spend $12000 on one lottery ticket and HOPE it works?  

Yes, adoption is still on the table.  But it will stay a possibility for now.  You might think it would be an easy decision, but it's really not.  Adopting a baby is another very expensive venture.  You can adopt from the state, but they very, VERY rarely have babies.  And I really want the experience of having a baby and going through the pregnancy.  

No, I have not tried acupuncture yet.  It is something that I am looking into.  

Here's the bottom line.  There is nothing that is easy about any of this.  Health insurance only covers so much.  On some procedures, like IVF, they don't cover anything.  They don't cover insemination either, which is about $300-$500 bucks each time.  The emotional price is astronomical.  Imagine having your heart broken over and over...I'm not gonna lie, it sucks and it really takes a toll.  There are some days that I'm so emotionally drained I don't want to get out of bed.  

These are hard decisions to make.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  But this is my reality, and I'm doing my best to handle it.

National Infertility Awareness Week

I think the first thing I'm going to post is this incredible article.  Infertility Etiquette for Family and Friends  There is a lot of great information in there.  I know that a lot of my friends and family don't know what to say, so they've been pulling away.  That hurts just as much as saying some of the things on this list.  We don't have a communicable disease.  If you ask how I'm doing, I might break down and cry, or I might be distant.  Don't take it personally.  I'm not trying to be a jerk.  I may be having just one of those days.  Or weeks.  It's hard enough dealing with all of this, I don't need to worry about losing my friends just because they don't understand what I'm going through.  My good friend Tamra wrote a blog and talked about some of the things that are difficult for us to deal with and stuff not to say.  It was great.  I decided to try to do the same kind of thing.  Some of this stuff is covered in that link, but I'm gonna do this list anyway.

1. Please don't tell me just to relax.  That's not going to solve anything.  If it was that easy, I'd be pregnant already.  I've been dealing with this for 13 years.  In all of that time, there was at least a month or 2 where I was relaxed, don't you think?

2. Don't tell me about your friends who did this or that.  Please remember that not everyone has the same fertility issues.  And each issue has varying degrees.  What works for one person isn't necessarily going to work for another.

3. Don't tell me about adoption.  I know about adoption.  I know that for some people, after they adopt, they get pregnant.  Making the decision to adopt is not easy.  It means giving up the hope of having your own baby.  While you may not understand the ache I feel for going through a pregnancy, it's there.  Every month there is a little hope.  Giving that up is a huge decision and I'm just not ready to make that leap.

4. I'm well aware that everything happens for a reason.  Telling me that is just going to make me upset.  Why?  Because I already feel like I've done something wrong to deserve the infertility issues.  You telling me that everything happens for a reason is just going to make me feel worse, like there is merit to my feelings of being punished.

5. Don't tell me you understand.  No, you don't.  You don't even understand if you've gone 6 months without conceiving.  I don't say that to be mean.  But you need to know that this is 13 years.  That's a lot of months of heartbreak.  Add in the 2 miscarriages and it makes for a very long journey.  How many pieces can one person's heart break into?  Infertility is only diagnosed as a condition after a year of trying to conceive.  And there are many different levels of infertility.  Some people get pregnant after the first round of treatment.  It's not that easy for me.

6. Don't get offended.  If you have a baby or get pregnant, don't get offended if I'm not there right away. Don't think that I'm going to be mad.  Don't hide it from me.  Just be patient with me.

7. I'm not the person to complain to about your morning sickness.  Please, don't tell me you're tired, or sick or whatever.  I would give anything, and I mean ANYTHING to be in your shoes.  Sick, tired, in pain...I'd take it 10 fold for the chance to have a baby.

So then, what to do?  Please just be there for me.  Be patient with me.  Let me be angry.  Let me have my breakdowns.  Let me know that you're going to be there if I need you.  If you see me post something on facebook, you don't have to give me advice.  Just acknowledge that you see it.  Don't ignore it.  It hurts more when you don't acknowledge me.  I know you don't know what to say, or you're afraid of offending me.  So just let me know that you care.  Say a prayer for me.  Or send me good vibes.  Whatever you believe in.  Let me know you see me.  It means more to me than you know.  This is a lonely road.  I have my girls that I talk to about it that are going through the same things, and it's nice to talk to people that truly understand.  But it's also nice to know that my other friends care.  Being positive can be really hard.  To know that others care....it helps get through the roughest times.

ASK ME QUESTIONS!  Please don't be shy.  Honestly, it helps to talk about it.  I'm a realist.  I don't sugarcoat, so that's a warning.  But don't make assumptions.  Ask me.  I'm an open book.  If you have other friends that are going through these types of issues that aren't as open, it's good to have someone who will tell it like it is.  But be prepared-hormones and emotions are all over the place.  I'm not embarrassed to talk about any of it.  If you ask questions, be prepared for a straight answer!

If you took the time to read this through, thank you.  If you have said any or all of these things to me-don't apologize.  I'm not offended.  People honestly don't know what to say and that's ok.  But I'm putting this out there so that maybe the lines of communication will open and some of the weirdness will go away.

Broken Record

I'm tired. I'm sad. It's not fair. This sucks. Blah blah fucking blah. I'm so annoyed at where I'm at right now. I hate that I hear myself say these things over and over and over. I'm angry that people don't understand how I feel, even though it's irrational to feel that way. I just want people to GET it. I want people to stop turning away because I'm not always happy and sunshine and rainbows. I know they won't get it. I know that they are going to continue to pretend like they don't see what I'm saying. Whatever. At this point, I could give a shit less. I'm over it. The people that I know care are there for me. But days like today make me want to crawl into a hole and just rot. I'm sick of sharing my feelings and then getting criticized for it. I'm sick of having to be all happy happy when inside I'm ready to just throw in the towel. Honestly, the only thing that's keeping me anywhere near human right now is Larry. I have to be here for him. Otherwise, I don't really feel like there's any reason to be around. You want real life? That's fucking real life. No, I'm not going to kill myself. I just don't feel like I'm a part of anything anymore. I don't feel like I have anything in common with anyone anymore. I'm really good at the mask, I'm just sick of wearing it. Why don't I go out more? Because I don't want to. Because I think I'm fat, and I don't like the way I look. Do something about it, right? Sure. I'll do that. Get right on it. Oh wait, I don't have the will power to do it. Why? Because I'm a failure...at like...everything. Like how women are supposed to be able to have kids...like it's a natural thing? Yup, I can't do that fucking right either. I'm ready to just give the fuck up. Whatever. Moving on.

The Theraputic Properties of....Fur?

Yup. You read that right. Fur. Those of you that know me know that I have a few dogs. They're almost all little, cute, and as rotten as they come. But I don't know how I would make it through some days without them. Their love is unconditional. They think you hung the moon. And more importantly, they KNOW when you need a little TLC. They are there when you're happy, but they are there when you are sad. They don't shy away from your tears-they do just the opposite-they get close and give you that little snuggle or cuddle that you might need. They know when you are sick-and they watch over you. My dogs make me laugh all the time. They have cuddled up next to me at night while I cried myself to sleep. They really are like my kids-they are just as much a part of my family as any of the people around me. They have attitudes, they get into trouble. But I look forward to them greeting me when I come home and I miss them when I'm gone. Each one of them has a different personality but the one thing they all have in common is that they are there for me when I need them. Am I too sentimental about my dogs? Maybe you think so. But the way I see it, life has thrown so much in our direction in the last few years. And no matter what, I've always been able to count on them to make me smile, or just hang out with me when I needed it. They have been a constant in an otherwise crazy world, and they don't judge!
One day, I want to be as amazing as my dogs think I am.

This is getting old now

I really want to be patient. I really do. I want to hear that it will happen when it happens, it'll happen when I stop trying, it'll happen when it's supposed to happen, it will happen in God's time...all of those things and really believe it. And not want to rip my eyes out. Or scream. Or throw things. Or crawl into a hole and not come out. Or all of the above. It's so frustrating. I know all of these things. That does not change the fact that I am crying myself to sleep. Doesn't change the fact that I ask all the time just what I'm doing or I did wrong to deserve this. Doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm being punished for who knows what. I'm tired. No. I'm exhausted. Every single month it's another no. Or it's a yes...and then a few weeks later...the unthinkable happens and I'm left to wonder why THAT happened. I'm beginning to just feel like this isn't going to happen. And I really don't know what to do with that. I just don't know how to feel about that, or process it. I want to quit...but then I think maybe just one more try...one more month. But my heart is broken over and over again and I just don't know how much longer I can do this. I want better for Larry....I struggle so much because I feel like maybe I'm the reason he's not having kids and he deserves so much more than that. I know that he would never ever think that way, or put this on me, but I have month after month after month to be thinking these things. I want an easy answer to a simple question. Why?

I Need....

I just needed to come over here and vent a little. I'm trying to be as positive as possible about everything. Lots has happened in the last few weeks that has been really amazing. But there are some things that are just bugging me and I just need to get it out. If you don't feel like reading my bitching, that's fine, you've been warned that that's all this blog is going to be about. I just needed someone to listen, but this will work too.

First off. I'm so tired of people thinking that I'm stupid. I'm not. I know that I mess around and am goofy, but I know how and when to be serious. Truth is, and not patting my own back or anything, but I'm actually pretty smart. I don't like it when someone sees/hears one thing they don't like and they feel the need to talk down to me...or chastise me. I'm not 10. I'm not stupid. If it makes you feel like you're a bigger person because you've tried to make me look like a fool to everyone else, that's your problem. If the only time that you talk to me or post on my facebook wall is when you are going to be negative or find something to be nasty about or say something to try to make me look like I'm dumb, then feel free to use the "unfriend" button because I don't do that shit to you and I don't appreciate it being done to me. There is a nice way to deal with things, and if you want to scold me or whatever it is you want to do that's negative, take it private. Don't say things just because you think you're going to embarrass me.

Next, please don't tell me you know how I feel when you really don't. I know that people mean well, but Larry and I have been trying to start a family for 13 YEARS. Not months. Not weeks. YEARS. That's a really long time. I understand that a few months can feel like a lifetime, but honestly, I've been waiting a really long time and I just see person after person after person after person say they are having trouble, go to a doc, and 6 months later they are pregnant. This time around at the docs we've been trying for over a year. And that's WITH the help of the doc. Yes, we have made some progress, but I have also had another miscarriage, which in itself is heartbreaking. I'm staying positive, but some days it's just really fucking hard to get up and put a smile on my face....or get up at all. Yes there are times when I wonder if this is somehow my fault. No, telling me it's not is not going to sink in. This is a NATURAL function. Women's bodies were made to do this. And mine doesn't. It sucks! I feel like a failure. A lot. That's just how it is. This is real life, not a romance movie. It's not always sunshine and puppies and rainbows. It hurts when people think that I'm not happy for them when they find out they are pregnant. Yes, I'm very happy for you. But no, I can't handle a lot of the talk about it. It's not an on/off switch. Yes, there is a little bit of jealousy there...I'm not going to lie. But that's my burden to bear. Sometimes it's overwhelming, but please understand..it's been 13 YEARS.

I believe I am done. Felt good to get that out. I'm not posting my blog on facebook anymore, so, if there is anyone out there that still reads it, you're going to have to subscribe in order to know if I've been posting or not. I may put this blog to private too, where only subscribers can read. I haven't decided yet.

Too much time to think

On days when I have too much time to think, my mind sometimes gets the better of me. I get sucked into this neverending circle of what if's and why me's. I'm trying my best every day to NOT let it get the best of me...to continue to look on the bright side of things. To not just give up. I'm just so tired. So tired of never being the one with the good news. And then, I get one moment of pure excitement...and it's taken away and I'm left right back where I started. Someone just slap me and tell me to just get the hell over it. UGH.

I'm back

It's been a little bit since I've blogged. I've missed it. There hasn't been too much going on really. Christmas was amazing. I have the most amazing husband. As far as everything else is concerned...we're still waiting for me to start another cycle. I'm not sure that this is going to happen on its own this time though. I may have to be put on Provera again to get the cycle to start. After that, it's another try with the femara.

I really want this to work..and I really want the vitamins that they have me on to work so that I can have a healthy baby. One thing that I am feeling right now is that I am totally consumed by this. I really want to have a baby...I just find myself thinking about it so much. I'm sure that this is normal for anyone that has been trying for so long. You'd think that it would be getting easier...that I might get used to all of this. But it's just getting harder. This year is 13 years that we've been trying. That's a really long effing time.