Speed bumps

I'm tired.  I'm emotionally drained.  I'm so ready to get away from reality for a few days.  I really thought I had a handle on things.  I'm getting to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel about anything.  I don't want to have to explain why I feel the way I do.  I don't want to be told that my feelings are wrong.  I can't help it.  It's not something that I can just turn off if I want to.  Believe me, if I could, I really would.  If I could look at everything and see only the positive, I would gladly do that.  But I'm human, and that's just not the way things work.  My feelings may be irrational, but I really can't help it.  I feel like I'm being judged...or labeled by some people because I don't think the way that they do.

More and more lately I feel alone.  I don't want to share things with people because I know they have to be getting tired of hearing it, especially if they don't understand what I feel and why I feel that way.  I'm tired of burdening other people with my junk when I know they have plenty of their own stuff they have to deal with. I know that I have support out there, but I'm tired of being the one that is constantly bitching about what's going on in my life and feeling like I'm putting things on people they don't need.  And I don't feel like I can do anything about it.  It's like a vicious cycle.

No one is going to be able to make me NOT feel like somehow I have done something wrong to deserve the things that are happening.  The more that we find out about our health and the fact that there is no reason that doctors can find that I have suffered this last loss, the more I think that there has to be some kind of karmic kickback that I am getting.  I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that will tell you I deserve everything that has happened to me.  And honestly, I don't know if they are wrong.

I don't know how to proceed now.  I don't know if I can handle another loss.  But I know my heart just can't give up.  I just don't know what to do.  I do feel like I'm falling back into a deep depression.  But I'm trying to keep my head up.  I can't go back on the meds because we don't know that that wasn't the reason I had this last loss.  I don't want anything in my body that could be even a little bit harmful if and when I get pregnant again.  I have to eliminate everything I can that could possibly be harmful from the equation.

I'm going to end this on a positive note.  I'm trying to find all of the positives that I can because I have to be the one to pull myself out of this.  I just have to say that I have the most amazing husband.  He lets me be sad and emotional and irrational and he's always there for me.  He's always trying to help me find the good...and try to work through the problems and find a suitable solution.  I want to be able to say that I CAN do this.  It's gonna take some work though.  I'll get there.  I think.

Overrun by Emotions

Ok.  This is my third try to write this blog.  I don't know how to get out what I want to say without sounding like a whiny baby.  But whatever, it's my blog, and that's what it's here for I suppose.

I've been so overwhelmed by emotions the last few days.  I don't know why it's been so bad, but I'm having a really hard time getting a handle on it.  I find myself either on the verge of or in tears more and more.  I am having such a hard time pulling myself out of this funk.  It's just been so hard to get past....I don't know what.  Frustrated and sad and stressed out....I just don't know wtf my problem is lately.

Can someone just slap me and tell me to get over it?  The closer we get to Disneyland, the more I feel like I REALLY need this vacation.  I know where some of the stress is coming from...it's the reason why we're going to CA in the first place.  But I am just having such a hard time processing it anymore.  UGH!

Understanding...or lack thereof

Right now, I should be celebrating getting through my first trimester.  I should be breathing a little easier....having met one of my milestones.  I should be "graduating" from infertility specialist to an OB. What am I doing instead?  Wondering why it is that everyone around me can get pregnant and have babies and I can't.  I'm letting the knowledge that I will never know why my baby died sink in.  I'm trying to understand why it is I have to go through this...what I did to make this happen.   Wishing that people around me could just see through my eyes for one second how much I hurt and maybe be a little more understanding.  Hoping that one day I'll just be numb to this and just not give a shit that everyone around me can be having kids...planning kids....enjoying being a family....while I sit here and struggle.  Of course I want everyone else to be happy....and I want to celebrate with them....but just once, I want it to be me celebrating.  I'm just tired of being the one to be celebrating everyone else's joys and coming home and crying myself to sleep at night.  It's times like this when I have time to think about things that I just go over and over it in my head.  What if I did this?  What if I didn't do this?  I'm tired and I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now.  If there's nothing wrong with me, and nothing wrong with Larry, why am I losing my pregnancies?  What is it that is going wrong?  Why does everything have to be such a struggle for us?  Just once, I want the life lesson that I'm supposed to learn to be that everything can turn out great-that your dreams can come true-that miracles do happen.  That all of the pain and struggle and learning has paid off.  Whatever.  I'm too tired.  I'm sick of having to think positive and find all the good in everything that's happened.  I don't want to break everything down to find reasoning in it.  I'm just exhausted and I'm sick of being dealt these kinds of hands.  I don't feel like fighting anymore.