Understanding...or lack thereof

Right now, I should be celebrating getting through my first trimester.  I should be breathing a little easier....having met one of my milestones.  I should be "graduating" from infertility specialist to an OB. What am I doing instead?  Wondering why it is that everyone around me can get pregnant and have babies and I can't.  I'm letting the knowledge that I will never know why my baby died sink in.  I'm trying to understand why it is I have to go through this...what I did to make this happen.   Wishing that people around me could just see through my eyes for one second how much I hurt and maybe be a little more understanding.  Hoping that one day I'll just be numb to this and just not give a shit that everyone around me can be having kids...planning kids....enjoying being a family....while I sit here and struggle.  Of course I want everyone else to be happy....and I want to celebrate with them....but just once, I want it to be me celebrating.  I'm just tired of being the one to be celebrating everyone else's joys and coming home and crying myself to sleep at night.  It's times like this when I have time to think about things that I just go over and over it in my head.  What if I did this?  What if I didn't do this?  I'm tired and I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now.  If there's nothing wrong with me, and nothing wrong with Larry, why am I losing my pregnancies?  What is it that is going wrong?  Why does everything have to be such a struggle for us?  Just once, I want the life lesson that I'm supposed to learn to be that everything can turn out great-that your dreams can come true-that miracles do happen.  That all of the pain and struggle and learning has paid off.  Whatever.  I'm too tired.  I'm sick of having to think positive and find all the good in everything that's happened.  I don't want to break everything down to find reasoning in it.  I'm just exhausted and I'm sick of being dealt these kinds of hands.  I don't feel like fighting anymore.