I found out this morning that they are going to have an honor guard doing a flag folding and playing Taps at my grandpa's funeral as he was a Marine. Here's something that I don't talk about very much. After everything that happened with Larry, I was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago. While I've made a lot of progress in many areas, there is one thing that hasn't gotten any better. Funerals/flag folding/Taps. These have been a part of every nightmare I've had about Larry....they are things that haunt me. I get real tired of people telling me "but he's here, so just concentrate on that." It's a little more complicated than that....and I am completely freaking out about how I'm going to do this. I love my nana (and my grandpa) very much. I have to be there for them and for my dad. What kind of horrible person am I that I don't know how I'm going to contain my own demons for this one day to be there for my family? But just finding out that this was going to be part of the funeral sent me into full blown panic attack. Seriously....this just all can't be happening.
Add to this the fact that this is one more AMAZING person that my kids (if I ever have any) will never get to meet. It's always been a fear of mine that my kids would never know their great-grandparents. Both sets of my grandparents have been a huge part of my life, and the longer I fight with infertility, the less chance I have that my children will know them. It breaks my heart that they will never know the 3 that I have lost already, as I was incredibly blessed with wonderful grandparents.
Is it irrational? Maybe. But these are all things that go through my head, whether I want them there or not. Try as I might to talk myself out of them, there they are. I just really pray I can pull it together....
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