Not sleeping...so I'm blogging.....

I really want to be sleeping.  And I can't.  So I'm here.  Blogging.  I have had a interesting few weeks.  The roller coaster seems to be on an upswing for the most part.  Larry and I have decided to go ahead and start the adoption process.  (as soon as I find the paperwork)  It was really hard to have JT here for the weekend.  It's just getting harder and harder to not have a little one.  I had put the adoption stuff on hold for a bit because I had gotten pregnant, but after that loss...I'm just tired of waiting and being heartbroken.

The last loss was by far the hardest.  I honestly thought that we were out of the woods when we heard a heartbeat.  I was thinking that finally, FINALLY we had figured it out!  But I should have known better than to get that excited so quickly.  I'm to the point now where I honestly don't think I could get excited if I got pregnant again.  I don't think I could let myself get excited until we got AT LEAST past the first trimester...and maybe later.  Which sucks.  I want to be someone that can enjoy a pregnancy from beginning to end.  But I can't.  I can't let myself get attached and that really bites.  I can't tell people.  I have to wait...till I know if my baby is going to live.  Who has to think about things like this?  Apparently me.  That hurts more than I can even begin to tell you.  I can't be excited about having a baby until I know that it's going to live.  Wow.  What a shitty outlook to have to have.  =o(

Which brings me to our decision.  I'm just ready to be a mommy.  I'm ready for everything that comes with it.  I'm just so sad.  The one and only thing that I have ever wanted to be is a mom..and it's just out of my reach.  Some days I just think it's not fair and I feel like I'm being picked on.  I know that's silly, but it's hard to think otherwise sometimes.  I see SO MANY people getting pregnant....having babies.  People that have been trying for 3 months..6 months...some that get pregnant right away. And everything is fine.  It's hard seeing that.  It's hard to see people that go to the fertility specialists and get one treatment and bam!  Baby.  Just makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong....or what the hell?

But I'm trying very hard to be positive.  I know that there are plenty of kids out there that need loving homes, and I know that we can provide that.  I refuse to give up having our own, but I think that finding a child that needs us is important too...whether we have one of our own or not.  

Every day is so different.  Some days are wonderful and I'm hopeful and I'm ready to move on with things.  Some days I'm scared shitless...and I feel like I don't know which way is up.  But mostly, I feel alone.  I know that there are others out there that are going through the same thing....but trying to explain things to people who aren't is really hard.  It's hard to explain why some things hurt my feelings.  Why I can't look at some things.  Why I can't go into a hospital.  Most people are understanding-meaning that they respect that I feel a certain way, even if they don't "get" it.  But sometimes I feel like I'm running in circles....and there are times I really just hold back because explaining it would be too much and I just don't have it in me anymore.  I know that people generally mean well...and that their intentions are good.  I just gets so overwhelming sometimes.  Hormones and emotions just get the best of me.  *sigh*

Today, I feel good about things.  Tomorrow...I don't know what tomorrow is going to be like.  I don't know what later is going to be like.  This is such a long, complicated journey with so many emotions...sometimes *I* can't even keep track of where I am.  One day, one step, one moment at a time.  We've been through so much, I know that Larry and I can figure this out too.  As long as we have each other (how cliche, I know) we can make it through anything.  I am so lucky to have him as my other half....we can do this!