It's 330am. I tried to sleep in my bed for the first time since I started the meds to start the loss...and I just couldn't get comfortable or shut my mind off. I guess my make-shift couch bed is perfect for the way I need to lay in order to not hurt too bad. So, here I am, letting my poor husband (who has been absolutely amazing might I add) get some sleep without me moving around trying to get comfortable.
I want to say, before I go on, that when I write these blogs, I do it because I want people to understand where those of us dealing with infertility and/or loss are coming from. I don't do it to make anyone feel bad...or point out that something you said was "wrong". So, if you've said anything I'm about to write (or have written about before) to me, or to anyone you know that is struggling with infertility or loss, 1) don't apologize, and 2) don't get offended. Part of the journey for me has been learning how to put on a happy face and remember that people are only trying to help and make you feel better. I'm not embarrassed or uncomfortable at all to talk about infertility and loss, but the majority of people going through it are. I don't know if my lack of filter when it comes to this stuff is a good thing or a bad thing sometimes, but oh well. Those of us that are going through this know that the majority of people have the best intentions in mind, even if the words for us are really frustrating.
So what am I talking about? I have been asked A LOT in the last 2 weeks "have you considered adoption?" The short answer is yes. But the majority of people that ask that a) have had children and/or b) never struggled with infertility. This is where I say it's just not that simple. Yes, adoption is an option. But for someone in my position, and I would imagine for most people, having your OWN child that is your flesh and blood is your first choice. And when it's a struggle...it's just all the more frustrating because then you start feeling like this is a natural thing that should be easy right? And when it's not....that's when you start thinking you did something wrong..or you're a failure...see where this is going? The first thing that comes to people's minds is that there are thousands of kids out there that need homes. And you are absolutely right. But that doesn't change the fact that you want YOUR baby. Adoption is wonderful, but for someone that is struggling with infertility, it's not the answer they are looking for right now. Will they adopt someday? Maybe. But it's harder than you could ever imagine to give up the dream of having a baby with your eyes and your partner's smile....
Add to that the complication of having a loss. That's when people really don't know what to say to you. Ignoring a person who has had a loss is a bad idea. Telling them that everything happens for a reason...is frustrating to hear. We know that. But what we are asking ourselves at that point is "Why" and hearing that there is a reason for it...doesn't help..it just adds to our frustration because we WANT an answer, and there may never be one that's made obvious to us.
Let me also just say that what we DON'T need at this point, especially after we have been suffering physically going through a loss, is for you to try to "help" and ask a "professional" what it's going to feel like. First of all, telling me that it doesn't usually hurt worse than this or that doesn't actually MAKE it hurt less. Remember that even if you have had a loss, your body is WAY different than the next person's. Also, as in my case, a natural loss is different than one induced by meds. I had 2 previous losses...and they hurt. But this one....this one laid me out flat...and I'm still struggling. And that's not like me at all. I can tolerate a lot. The meds I took forced my body, which apparently didn't get the memo that the pregnancy was not normal, to get rid of what it thought was a healthy pregnancy...and FAST. A natural loss takes on average 5-7 days. This does it in 1-2 days....or at least the bulk of it. I have never had pain that intense. So I don't care who you talk to and what sort of degree they have...you can't tell me what it's going to do to me because it's different for everyone and it's just going to piss me off if you tell me that your "professional" said it's not going to hurt as bad as I'm feeling. Whether you can wrap your head around the process and the pain it causes is your concern, not mine. So trying to convince me that my PHYSICAL pain is in my head because my EMOTIONAL pain is making it worse...will make me want to slap you..and it won't HELP me get through anything.
Let me also make something PERFECTLY clear. I do not now, nor will I ever, ask for or want your pity. What I want...and I'm sure that I speak for most women in my shoes...is for you to let me feel how I'm going to feel. This is a LOSS. It's going to take time to heal and to grieve. And everyone does that differently too. What we need is for someone to just listen. Let me feel like my world is ending...because right now, it feels like it is. Let me cry, let me be sad, let me be mad. DON'T tell me how to feel, DON'T tell me how I should feel (again, physically either!) because that doesn't help. When you don't know what to say....just let us know you are thinking about us. That it's ok for us to hurt. An ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on goes a LONG way. You might be uncomfortable around someone that has had a loss, but really, there is no reason to be. We don't blame you. We don't want you to fix it. We know you can't. We just need to know that when we fall into a million pieces, that you will be there to help put them back together, no matter how long it takes and how difficult it is.
The most important thing (and this goes for ANY kind of loss and I can't say this enough) is that we know that you have our back. We don't have any expectations of you other than to know that you care. Whether just the struggle of infertility or the pain of a loss of any kind, we just need to know you are there. Imagine FEELING like an outcast because, for whatever reason, you're not "normal"....and then imagine people TREATING you like an outcast because they just don't know what to say to you. Makes it 1000x worse. Don't make us feel like you think you're going to catch our pain cooties. Don't make us feel like we are alone. But really, please don't try to fix it. We're not asking you to. If we thought you had a magic wand that would fix things, we would have beat you up and taken it a long time ago.
Not everyone is as open as I am about this stuff. But I have learned that the more information people have, the better things are all around. I have been lucky in that my family and my friends are all supportive and understanding. Do I still hear some of the things that I mentioned here? Yes. All the time. But I figure, if I talk about it, and even one person can use this to help another friend...it's worth it. The saddest thing for me is that I have lost people I considered very close friends over these issues because they refused to see that everyone IS different, physically and emotionally, and that hurts. But we all have to move on, and hopefully this maybe helps prevent that from happening to someone else.
Now that it is 5am, I am exhausted and uncomfortable, and I have another appt. in the morning (oh yay *rolling eyes*) I should shut up and go to bed. Again, I don't mind talking about any of this stuff. If you don't know what to say to someone, I don't mind if you ask me. Y'all know I'm opinionated and I don't mind talking....but I would love to be there to help make your situation easier for you or for someone you're trying to help. I'm really an open book...and I don't get offended easily, so please ask away.
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