Catching up`

It's been forever. But I'm tired of catching shit for posting stuff on Facebook, so I'm going to start blogging again. We'll see how this goes. LOL

Life has changed A LOT in the last 2 years. We finally got the VA and the Army to get us squared away. It only took a little over a year. We really hit the bottom, but we are climbing back up now. We are incredibly blessed to have the friends and family we have that helped us through the last couple of years. It's been a long journey, and of course it's not over yet, but we are stronger than ever and have learned so much. We don't take anything for granted anymore. The lessons you learn....

We are opening a new chapter in our lives. We now have a house, our little corner of the world that we are more grateful for than you can imagine. We have our dogs, though we are mourning the loss of not just Murphy who was with us for only a few months, but our Kelly. Kelly was a huge part of Larry's recovery since the bombing. She loved Larry and was so in tune with him-she just knew when he needed her. She had a stroke last weekend and we had to put her down. It was the hardest decision I think we've ever made, and our hearts are still heavy. We miss you Kelly Belly!

Now, for the new stuff going on. Some of you have known me for a long time, but for those that haven't, let me give you a little back story. In 1999, shortly after Larry and I were married, we decided to have a baby. But it wasn't meant to be, and I lost the baby after only 9 weeks. Since then, we have been unable to get pregnant again. We did fertility stuff briefly in 2001-2002, but it never worked. The doctor we were seeing was a total asshole, so we gave up at that time and decided to just try and see what happened.

Then Larry went to Korea, and then to Iraq, and then the bombing. Larry has been on meds since then, and here we are, 11+ years later, still no kids. For those that know me well, you know that the ONLY thing that I have EVER wanted to be is a mommy. I have cried myself to sleep at night, so many nights....

Now that we are settled, now that we have a place to live and things are finally starting to look better for us, and now that I'm getting close to being past the time I can try, we are faced with a decision. I know, I'm not THAT old. But you need to understand that I am VERY high risk, and at 35, the risk increases exponentially. This is going to be hard enough, I don't want to take that many chances. There are 3 big reasons women miscarry-incompetent cervix, previous miscarriage, and Rh negativity. I have all 3. So you can see where I wouldn't want to add to that.

So here's the decision that we have to make. Are we ready to start the fertility treatments again? I can't tell you how hard and emotionally draining they are. Month after month, hoping, praying that you'll be pregnant, just to see that "not pregnant" on the test. It's not something that I would wish on anyone, and yet, it's something that I'm going to have to go through. Again. Am I strong enough? Do I want to do this again? Do I just give up and resign myself to the fact that obviously I wasn't meant to be a mom?

There are days when I just feel like I'm being punished. Did I do something wrong? Do I really deserve this? I know it's silly, but it's hard not to think that way sometimes. It's hard to describe how it feels. Very few REALLY understand how hard it is. I want it all....to be pregnant, to experience all of that. I've always wanted that. I don't care if I'm sick every day, all day. I'd give ANYTHING just to have that experience.

So am I ready to go through all of this again? I am ready for the excitement, and the disappointment? The anticipation and the depression? The hope and the devastation?

Big changes coming.....