Raw emotion

I'm going to be REAL honest, and I'm going to piss people off I'm sure.  So if you read this and you get your feelings hurt because of something I say, you've been warned.  Because this is how I feel right this second, and I'm not going to apologize for it.

I know I shouldn't have gotten excited about being pregnant-I knew that it was such a slight chance that this was going to work out, but I had started to let my guard down and be more hopeful than I should have.  Right now all I can think about is that I want to scream in frustration at all the women who complain.  You can't do all your normal activities because you're pregnant?  SO WHAT!  You gained some weight during your pregnancy?  GET OVER IT!  I would give anything...ANYTHING to just keep a pregnancy full term and have a healthy baby.  I would endure anything.  I honestly would.  There are people that have real issues and are in serious pain or really sick-I get that.  NOT what I'm talking about.  What I'm talking about is complaining about the silly things.  The weight gain, the morning sickness.  The fact that you don't think that pregnancy is "cute".  It's a BLESSING.  Get the fuck over yourself.  If you didn't want to be pregnant, if you didn't want the weight gain or the symptoms, there are ways of preventing it.  So stop whining about it because for those of us who all we have ever wanted was that experience, you just look like a total asshole.

I don't even know what to pray for anymore.  I've been praying so hard for a healthy, full term pregnancy, that now I'm just lost.  I don't know what to think or feel anymore.  I don't know if there was something I did or didn't do....or maybe I'm getting what I deserve?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  I don't know if I'm suppose to try again or if I'm supposed to give up.  I know Larry doesn't deserve all this, so I know that if karma is the issue, it's me.  I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing.  I think the problem was I was really allowing myself to be hopeful.  Seeing a heartbeat and seeing a baby....I really thought we had this fixed.

We have lots of big decisions that we have to make soon, and I don't want to make them.  I don't want to be this person.  Thanks to my shiny new diagnosis of recurring early pregnancy loss, doc gives me a 50/50 chance of keeping any future pregnancies.  How many times can I do this...and is it fair for me to try to bring a baby into this world if those are my odds?  Someone wake me up after menopause.  Then at least I'll KNOW there's not a chance and this decision making won't be so difficult.