Surprised and a big vent...you've been warned.

I'm kind of surprised that I've made it almost 2 weeks between appointments and I haven't completely lost my mind.  I'm keeping a positive attitude that everything is going to be ok.  I'm scared, but I am praying like a mad woman, so I'm hoping that my prayers are being heard and Tuesday's appointment is going to go really well.  In the meantime, I've been actually glad to have the symptoms I have, it's kind of making me feel like if I have them, things are still on track.  At least I hope that's what they mean...LOL  

In the meantime, I'm working really hard on not stressing too much.  One thing that I get a little tired of people doing is telling me that I need to get used to this or that, or that life is going to be changed so much.  I KNOW THIS.  I'm not a teenager who wants to have a baby to have a living doll to play with.  I'm an adult.  I've been trying to have a baby for a LONG time now.  I've worked in child care and I have had plenty of experience with babies.  For instance-I've been gagging A LOT more with smells the last few weeks.  Larry tells me the other day "Are you going to be able to handle changing diapers? Cuz you know that babies poop and it's smelly."  Really?  I thought they were born potty trained and their poop smelled like sunshine.  And people that keep "reminding" me that once you have a baby, you don't get to buy as many things as we do now and our focus is going to have to be the baby.  Well, first of all, if that was going to be an issue....it's a little late for a warning like that isn't it?  And secondly, all I have ever wanted was to have a child and provide for them...and just BE A MOM!  Why is that so hard for people to understand?  Is it because we're so much older than the "norm" with having babies?   Is it because people think that because we've lived so long one way that we won't be able to adapt to change?  Between that and people trying to make sure that I know that pregnancy is MISERABLE and I'm going to just want this person out of me as soon as possible...I think I might just explode.  Am I nauseous...yes.  Am I exhausted...yes.  Do I hurt...yes.  But I'm going to soak up every single second of the miserable because I have always dreamed of having a baby....of being pregnant.  I've been down the road where I didn't know if this was ever going to be possible for me...and who knows?  I'm still very early on and nothing is guaranteed.  But this is what I have always wanted...and I have been heartbroken on more than one occasion thinking that it would never be within my reach.  Do some days suck?  Absolutely...but I love them just as much as the days that don't because it means that I am being given the opportunity I thought might never happen and I'm trying to enjoy every second of it because I don't know when it's going to end.  It could be 8 1/2 months from now..it could be sooner.  I don't know.  But I am thankful for every minute I am blessed with this because I know that there are people out there that would kill to be feeling this way.  I am one of them.  

Infertility isn't something that just goes away if you get pregnant.  In most cases, there are so many more risks you have to overcome.  And getting pregnant doesn't erase the memory of the times you had losses either.  I've learned so much on this journey-and it's FAR from over.  I'm scared out of my mind that something is going to go wrong...that this is too good to be true.  But I'm putting my faith in God and trusting Him that no matter the outcome, I was meant to take this journey.  Believe it or not, even women that DO get pregnant who have struggled with infertility....we still hurt.  Heartbreak and sadness and the feeling of helplessness doesn't just go away.  You still feel the struggle, especially if you have friends or family that are going through it still.  Remember that hearts can heal, but sadness does leave scars.

So for the people out there that think that women that have struggled with infertility that have HAD children should just suck it up and be thankful they have kids, to you I say walk a mile in our shoes.  Go through the heartache, the frustration, the feelings of "why me" or "what did I do to deserve this", the sadness of loss....go through years of watching people around you have kids.  Feel what it's like to think that your dreams will never come true....over and over and over again.  Get beat down and have to pick yourself up time and time again, plaster that smile on your face...THEN come and talk to us.  If you haven't been there, don't assume that you'd do it differently or feel any differently.  Because just like ANY journey, you never know how you're going to feel/react until you've been there, so save your judgements until you can tell me you TRULY understand!