I think the first thing I'm going to post is this incredible article. Infertility Etiquette for Family and Friends There is a lot of great information in there. I know that a lot of my friends and family don't know what to say, so they've been pulling away. That hurts just as much as saying some of the things on this list. We don't have a communicable disease. If you ask how I'm doing, I might break down and cry, or I might be distant. Don't take it personally. I'm not trying to be a jerk. I may be having just one of those days. Or weeks. It's hard enough dealing with all of this, I don't need to worry about losing my friends just because they don't understand what I'm going through. My good friend Tamra wrote a blog and talked about some of the things that are difficult for us to deal with and stuff not to say. It was great. I decided to try to do the same kind of thing. Some of this stuff is covered in that link, but I'm gonna do this list anyway.
1. Please don't tell me just to relax. That's not going to solve anything. If it was that easy, I'd be pregnant already. I've been dealing with this for 13 years. In all of that time, there was at least a month or 2 where I was relaxed, don't you think?
2. Don't tell me about your friends who did this or that. Please remember that not everyone has the same fertility issues. And each issue has varying degrees. What works for one person isn't necessarily going to work for another.
3. Don't tell me about adoption. I know about adoption. I know that for some people, after they adopt, they get pregnant. Making the decision to adopt is not easy. It means giving up the hope of having your own baby. While you may not understand the ache I feel for going through a pregnancy, it's there. Every month there is a little hope. Giving that up is a huge decision and I'm just not ready to make that leap.
4. I'm well aware that everything happens for a reason. Telling me that is just going to make me upset. Why? Because I already feel like I've done something wrong to deserve the infertility issues. You telling me that everything happens for a reason is just going to make me feel worse, like there is merit to my feelings of being punished.
5. Don't tell me you understand. No, you don't. You don't even understand if you've gone 6 months without conceiving. I don't say that to be mean. But you need to know that this is 13 years. That's a lot of months of heartbreak. Add in the 2 miscarriages and it makes for a very long journey. How many pieces can one person's heart break into? Infertility is only diagnosed as a condition after a year of trying to conceive. And there are many different levels of infertility. Some people get pregnant after the first round of treatment. It's not that easy for me.
6. Don't get offended. If you have a baby or get pregnant, don't get offended if I'm not there right away. Don't think that I'm going to be mad. Don't hide it from me. Just be patient with me.
7. I'm not the person to complain to about your morning sickness. Please, don't tell me you're tired, or sick or whatever. I would give anything, and I mean ANYTHING to be in your shoes. Sick, tired, in pain...I'd take it 10 fold for the chance to have a baby.
So then, what to do? Please just be there for me. Be patient with me. Let me be angry. Let me have my breakdowns. Let me know that you're going to be there if I need you. If you see me post something on facebook, you don't have to give me advice. Just acknowledge that you see it. Don't ignore it. It hurts more when you don't acknowledge me. I know you don't know what to say, or you're afraid of offending me. So just let me know that you care. Say a prayer for me. Or send me good vibes. Whatever you believe in. Let me know you see me. It means more to me than you know. This is a lonely road. I have my girls that I talk to about it that are going through the same things, and it's nice to talk to people that truly understand. But it's also nice to know that my other friends care. Being positive can be really hard. To know that others care....it helps get through the roughest times.
ASK ME QUESTIONS! Please don't be shy. Honestly, it helps to talk about it. I'm a realist. I don't sugarcoat, so that's a warning. But don't make assumptions. Ask me. I'm an open book. If you have other friends that are going through these types of issues that aren't as open, it's good to have someone who will tell it like it is. But be prepared-hormones and emotions are all over the place. I'm not embarrassed to talk about any of it. If you ask questions, be prepared for a straight answer!
If you took the time to read this through, thank you. If you have said any or all of these things to me-don't apologize. I'm not offended. People honestly don't know what to say and that's ok. But I'm putting this out there so that maybe the lines of communication will open and some of the weirdness will go away.
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