This is getting old now

I really want to be patient. I really do. I want to hear that it will happen when it happens, it'll happen when I stop trying, it'll happen when it's supposed to happen, it will happen in God's time...all of those things and really believe it. And not want to rip my eyes out. Or scream. Or throw things. Or crawl into a hole and not come out. Or all of the above. It's so frustrating. I know all of these things. That does not change the fact that I am crying myself to sleep. Doesn't change the fact that I ask all the time just what I'm doing or I did wrong to deserve this. Doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm being punished for who knows what. I'm tired. No. I'm exhausted. Every single month it's another no. Or it's a yes...and then a few weeks later...the unthinkable happens and I'm left to wonder why THAT happened. I'm beginning to just feel like this isn't going to happen. And I really don't know what to do with that. I just don't know how to feel about that, or process it. I want to quit...but then I think maybe just one more try...one more month. But my heart is broken over and over again and I just don't know how much longer I can do this. I want better for Larry....I struggle so much because I feel like maybe I'm the reason he's not having kids and he deserves so much more than that. I know that he would never ever think that way, or put this on me, but I have month after month after month to be thinking these things. I want an easy answer to a simple question. Why?