Being real

I want so bad for these decisions to be easier. Yes, I'm stressing. Yes, I know that that can effect getting pregnant. But it's so hard not to stress. This is just something that is so hard to explain....the emotions of all of this.....the not knowing.....the inability to make these difficult decisions. I can't stop stressing. I can't NOT try so hard. It's not something you can just turn off. I have always wanted nothing more than to be a mom. To have the experience of being pregnant and having a baby. To be told that the one thing in life that you want more than anything may be impossible.....it hurts. It sucks. It rips your heart out.

To my friends that are pregnant, I really am so happy for you. Forgive my stand-offish-ness, it's just the way that I'm coping. Those that are pregnant after having a hard time, please don't forget how hard it was when you couldn't get pregnant, seeing everyone else so happy and having their wish come true. Remember the nights you cried yourself to sleep because all you could do is wish that it was you. Remember how your emotions were a mess, being happy for your friends but at the same time, feeling your heart break knowing that it wasn't you. Remember how hard it was when someone would make the comment that you're "just jealous" and that's why you've been quiet or hard to reach or just not jumping up and down throwing confetti.

We've been trying for 12 years to get pregnant. That's a LONG time. We're running out of time. I'm having to face the fact that no matter how much I want this, how much I need this, it may not happen.