Another month

Another month, another negative. There are days when I feel like this is a big cosmic joke...everyone it seems can get pregnant, except me. I know it's not true, but it's so discouraging when every time you turn on the TV there is another teen pregnancy show...or the characters on your favorite shows are pregnant....it almost seems like the universe is laughing in my face. It's hard not to feel discouraged. As much as I want to be positive about this, emotionally, it's just so tiring. I feel like I'm just exhausted. There is so much to deal with right now. I'd give up for now and start again later, but I'm really running out of time. It doesn't seem like it, but, as I'm so high risk now, I can't increase those risks so much after I'm 35. I'm scared enough as it is. I just want a break. I want something to work the right way for once. After dealing with the stuff we have been dealing with for the last 6+ years, I just want a fucking break! It doesn't help that we are STILL waiting for the VA to make a decision on another part of Larry's claim. This has been going on since last July....they have been "reviewing" the claim to make sure they now have all the information they need since March 23rd. And Larry's file is priority meaning it goes to the top of the pile. We've been waiting this long, imagine how long the veterans are waiting that are not priority.
I'm frustrated and I'm tired. It's getting harder and harder to plaster the smile on my face and say it'll happen, it'll happen....gotta be positive. Today I don't want to be positive. I want to be mad! I want to ask why it is that this is so hard! What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? I don't understand. I want to complain. I want to be miserable. I chose to go through the fertility treatments, but only because it's the only way to achieve what I've always wanted-to be a mom. I wouldn't be doing this if there was any other way! I didn't want to choose this! I didn't want to have to do this. IT FUCKING SUCKS! If I had any other choice, I would take it. But, some of us don't have the luxury. We have to play the hand we have, and sometimes we are holding SHIT.
The months are just passing by and I'm just losing more faith every time I get a negative result. I'm sure that my opinion and attitude will change, maybe when I'm a little less hormonal, although those times are so few and far between. I'm so blessed to have a husband that is so patient with me. But I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm just ready for some good news.