It's so odd how you can feel so completely lost one day and have hope the next day. It's funny how a conversation with a friend can make you feel so much better...or so much worse for that matter. Today, I felt like I was surrounded by positivity-by people that really care about me. It was a painful day, physically this time. I had another cortizone shot in my foot and the doc has put in a referral for surgery. I'm anxious about it, I really want to know for sure what the issue is.
I also received an invitation today, a royal invitation. =o) I'm not sad anymore that I'm not going on the cruise next week. I know that I'm supposed to be here for this.
It's amazing how we notice all of the little things when life seems to be throwing too many things at us at once. For instance, I notice that my dogs sense my sadness/frustration/pain and try to make me feel better. It might sound weird to you, but for me, it's one little thing that makes all this more bearable. I noticed today how really gentle and caring Larry is. He hates to see me hurt as much as I hate to see him hurt, and he does everything he can to help me feel better. I don't know how I got so lucky-he really is more amazing than I could ever explain.
I feel like I've made progress in some ways. As down and as frustrated as I have been, I have found comfort in the words and the care of friends, some new, some old. To know that you can pick up the phone and just cry, or beat your keyboard to death typing out how you feel to someone that really wants to help, it makes all the difference in the world. You meet people in your life that you look at and are so amazed that God has brought them to you. You feel like it was by chance, but you know better. When you feel like you're in that place, the place where you're not sure which way is up or if you can really handle waking up the next day, it's nice to know that you can be YOU with someone and they won't judge you or think any less of you.
This is such a long road. I have thoughts about just giving up-just keeping it the way it is...just me and Larry. Maybe travel to amazing places and just enjoy ourselves. But I just don't feel complete. It's like it's just out of reach. Like it's on that top shelf...but you don't have a ladder. What do you do? Go without? Or jump? Ask for help?
I feel like I'm drowning some days. Not because I can't swim, but because I'm just too damn tired to. Like someone sucked all of my will out of me and I'm just sitting here, waiting for what's coming. No, I'm not the only one that's going through this. Yes, I'm sure that there are people that deal with things like this a whole hell of a lot better than I do. But this is ME. This is who I am. This is how I feel. I can't just turn it off. It's getting harder and harder to brush off the hurtful comments-the ones that make me feel like I'm being judged. Sometimes I just want to scream at people and ask them why the hell they think they have the right to tell me how I should feel.
Having said that, there are also so many people in my life, some who have been around a long time and some I just met, that have been my rock. You know who you are. You never judge, you just let me be me. You ask how I am and you truly care what the answer is. You don't care that I'm not Suzie Sunshine all the time. Some days it's the only thing that gets me out of bed-knowing that I have a safety net.
I've gotten to the point where I've lost a lot of patience though. I can't handle things the way I used to. Things upset me way easier and I'm quick to make decisions. Hormones I'm sure play a big part in that. So if I offend you or hurt you, let me know. Sometimes I swear it's not me, it's someone else in this body that takes over and does and says things.
I think I've gone in 100 different directions tonight. I had a lot on my mind. If you made it this far, thanks for reading all my rambling.
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